day 235

i have forgot to mentioned that my ears are also having some kind of… life on its own.

its been a month already.. now both of my ears are swollen and oozing.
feels like i got a dozen ear piercings.
the ooze dries down to form thick scabs.. (which i quite enjoy peeling it off, to be honest..)
even the ear canal has liquid oozing out.
it’s faintly yellow.. seems to be different from the ooze that’s coming from my face.
my ear has alot of peeling too..
it amuses me.

surprisingly,
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME I’VE SEEN THIS.
8 years ago, my ear lobes started flaking for no apparent reason..
and from then onwards i get such ear “infections” quite often.
i always thought it’s an infection.. but it seems like it’s from the withdrawal.

i guess i was addicted and withdrawing from the hydrocortisone i used way back before i realize.

fml.

other than that…
ceteris paribus.

i really can’t tell if i made any progress in this week.
don’t want to think about it.

there are new people coming to our google groups..
i’m happy because these people are finding support and relief through us..
it’s really a relief to find out why nothing seems to help with our worsening eczema.
on the other hand, i’m quite sad because more and more people are gonna suffer what i’m going through.
i really don’t want anyone more people to go through this hell..

but that will only happen when the dermatologist STOP giving steroids to innocent people.
and i will try my best to make that happen.

there’s really alot of bad in this world..
i know i can’t stop all of them, but i’ll still try within my own means.

skin is coming off me in all unimaginable places.
i hope i’ve seen it all now.
i don’t know how much worse can it go,
i hope this is the worst already.
please.

btw, i have new thoughts about the skin that’s underneath those scabs..
i mean those with little vesiculation holes..
i think those are the bad skin that’s surfacing from deep under.

there are really no easier way to get my original skin back.
the bad skin will grow out, the skin will be raw, weeping, and everything nasty..
i can’t escape all this shit.

i am going to take a break from school.

3 thoughts on “day 235

  1. Hi Juliana,
    I recently joined the support group and I just read a lot of your blog. I really relate to a lot of what you wrote, especially the emotional & gratitude parts. I feel like this horrible experience is giving me the opportunity to appreciate all the people in my life, to be grateful that I’m healthy in so many ways unrelated to my skin, and to have an opportunity to evaluate what’s really important to me in life. Thanks for so candidly sharing your thoughts and feelings, I knwo you and all of us will feel better soon.

    • hi susan and louise, thank you so much for leaving a comment. : ) and thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.
      hope this reminder to myself will remind you about the things you will gain through this experience too..
      it’s too hard to stop focusing on what i’ve lost, so i need to constantly remind myself of what i’ve gained..

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