day 274

9 months ago, i decided to stop using steroids.
I’VE CAME THIS FAR!

here to share some good news.
as i have mentioned in the previous posts, i do feel that i’m starting to get better.
i am pretty sure i’ve hit the lowest.
god damn it, it took 3 full months for the flare to hit the worse.
those 3 months wasn’t easy at all, and looking back,
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I SURVIVED.

gotta give myself a pat on my shoulder (as always).

i’ve broke down way too many times in the past few months.
i’ve mentioned many times that this 2nd flare sucks ball to the max.
i want to thank all the lovely angels who have given me their love and support during those times,
putting up with my extremely depressing and bad mood.
it’s been a difficult time for everyone around me.
even more so for those who love me.

i’m currently busy with a report that’s due this weekend,
so i don’t have much time to edit photos and upload them here.
but i will, soon.
to show you all the before and after.
i finally had the courage to look at photos i took way back in november and december.
needless to say, I WAS HORRIFIED when i saw the photos.

thank god i’m past that.

still waiting for the bloody wounds to recover.
there is progress, really. : )

i’m glad that there are people who found relief through my blog.
finding out the answer to “why is my eczema worsening despite constantly moisturizing, applying steroids, avoiding certain foods” is relieving.
hey, at least it’s something that will get better.
at least you know that “this condition won’t get worse forever”.
i used to live with the fear that “OH MY GOD i’m going to have shitty skin for the next 70 years of my life. i might as well die now!”

i must admit that it’s hard to swallow when my  boyfriend told me “YOU ARE ADDICTED TO STEROIDS.”
i was in denial.
but all of the things that happened pointed to steroid addiction and steroid damage.
it took me some time to finally accept that “yes, i’m in this fucking steroid withdrawal thingy that will take 6-24 months to recover.”

i can totally understand why there’re so many people out there who refuse to believe that steroids, the miracle chemical that has been used for the past 50 years by dermatologist to treat many different skin condition, is the poison that landed me in such a state.

you know what’s the saddest thing?
YOU DON’T KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO STEROIDS.
that happened to me.
there was a time when i will get anxiety attacks whenever my steroid creams are about to finish, and i’m no where near the next medical appointment where i can get my prescription.
there was a time when i packed in the tubs (i was prescribed TUBS of steroids, 100g/tub) of betamethasone into my luggage when i flew back to hongkong. i knew i couldn’t live without steroids, but it didn’t appear to me as an addiction.
there was a time when i told my boyfriend that i have to live with steroids for life, because if i don’t, the flares will come. it still didn’t occur to me that i’m already in too deep with this drug.

a friend of mine summed it up very concisely for me :
you don’t know you’re addicted to something until you get off it.

why would i get off steroids, knowing that the rashes will come back with a vengeance?
as a result, i slathered more and more steroids on myself.

viscious cycle.

with that said, i’m still going to try to get the message out that steroid overuse is very dangerous.
notice i used the word “overuse”.
i know many people will frown at it,
but i understand. i frowned at it initially too.

i would like to end off this post with the 5 stages of grief.
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depresion
5. acceptance.

which stage are you at?

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