[special post] retrospect

having read other skin warrior’s blog, i think we all agree that writing is therapeutic.

this is not the first blog i’ve created.
it’s just one of the many that i write in.
i guess i just have too much things to say, and when i can’t find the appropriate person to listen to what i have to say, into the blog it goes.

i guess i try to maintain the different faces of me that is exclusive to different groups of people.
ok, more like.. the different identities that i mean to different people.

one of the best thing about leaving a trail is that i can always track back.
i was reading through my blogs today.. and i thought i can share some of it with you all.
there were things that i didn’t mention over here back then because i felt that it was inappropriate and too open.
but after so long, i think you all do feel a certain connection with me (or was it my wishful thinking? hahaha), i feel more okay to share those with you all now.

on hindsight,
i tried my best not to put too much negative emotions into this blog because i didn’t want to scare people away from TSW.
all of these weak and useless thoughts can go into somewhere where no one reads about them.
but right now, i think i can share those thoughts that i once had with you guys because i am sure my healing is more than enough to encourage people to stick to TSW.

so..
why am i sharing these with you all today?

i want you to know that despite having all these bad thoughts,
i still managed to make it this far.
so can you.
i think it’s okay to let yourself go, as long as you believe that you’re going to get out of it soon.
i allowed myself to go that low because i bargained with myself: let out all of the negativity and things shall get better.
i didn’t stay there all the time, it was full of ups and downs.

these are excerpts from posts that i’ve written when in my first 20 months.

(20 april 2011, month 1)

life’s a joke sometimes.
i can’t believe how a single event turned my life around.
perhaps this is why it all happened, it’s to put me back onto the path that we should be treading.

is it worth it to enjoy this moment with no apparent cost,
but suffer the consequences in the future?
we’re all living on borrowed time.
and my time is running out.

(5 may 2011, month 1)

surprisingly, i have found hope through knowing what i’m going through right now.
being ignorant really sucks balls,
because you feel like you lose control..
and knowing more allows me to set realistic goals (so that i don’t get disappointed when i don’t see the results within a much shorter period of time).

it’s alright to have some hope, because without hope, there’s no fuel to move on.

(27 may 2011, month 2)

let me leave a note when i’m feeling a bit more positive.
times like these are worth remembering,
and the negative times are worth burying.

during the darkest times,
any flame is able to chase the darkness away.

(6 may 2011, month 2)

truth be told,
i’ve lost alot, and i’ve also gained alot.
things that i’ve lost right now, i can probably have them back in the future.
even though i lose some important moments right now,
but i’ve got a whole life time to make them happen.

gotta remind myself to be patient.

(9 may 2011, month 2)

what would you do if you were me?
it’s really easier said than done to “stay positive”.
there is no positive, there is only deviation from extreme  negativity.
it’s still below “normal” but it’s not as negative.

in the past i used to be hopeful every morning,
hoping that things will be okay after a night’s sleep,
hoping that everything will return to normal after i wake up.
i stopped hoping already.

(21 may 2011, month 2)

everytime when i thought that i’m in really deep shit,
everytime when i thought that i can’t make it any further,
somehow, i’ll make it there eventually.
and when i look back, i didn’t know how i managed to do it.
maybe things weren’t as bad as what i thought?
it’s just that at that moment, things seem to be doomed.

(30 june 2011, month 3)

there was one morning,
i woke up and the first thing i did while still in the dark was to touch my cheeks.
usually it’ll be rough due to the dry skin that’s trying to shed..
but that particular morning, my cheeks felt damn smooth.
and before i know it, i was already plunging into this well that is about to sink me – i gave myself too much hope on getting back to normal.
so you know what happened after i looked at myself in the mirror..
instant death.
i died a little inside again.

(4 aug 2011, month 4)

i really hate to be weak in front of my loved ones,
i know it breaks their heart to see me in pain.
but some times i just can’t hold back my feelings.
what needs to be out has to be vented somehow.

i just hope that no one has to see me like this,
because it breaks my heart to see them breaking their heart over me.

(19 sept 2011, month 5)

i don’t even feel like doing things that will make myself feel better.

it seems like i just indulge myself in this mindless suffering.
i have no idea why.
unless someone stops me,
i’m going to keep making myself miserable.

even if someone stops me,
it’s only temporary.

i really didn’t expect all these to be so terrible.
worst of all,
it’s a test i cannot give up when i feel like it.
it’s something i have to brave through despite the pain.

(12 oct 2011, month 7)

daddy says this is my calling..
to suffer now so that i can help more people in the future.

i’ve broken down way too many times..
i will just cry, and cry, and cry.
have never cried so much before.
have never been so depressed before.
have never been so dead before.

(10 nov 2011, month 8)

never been this weak.
this reliant.
this fragile.
this low.

i’m an amoeba. i’m the lowest life form.

(27 nov 2011, month 8)

in the most difficult times, we see the best in people.
i think i’ve repeated this too many times before,
but if this reminds you to cherish your loved ones, i don’t mind being naggy.
if i wasn’t landed in this situation, i wouldn’t have seen so much care and concern pouring in.
if i didn’t show others my weakness, i would never know that they care so much about me.
i wouldn’t know how much i’m loved.
isn’t that something more pathetic than going through this physical torture?
to not know that i am amazingly blessed and loved?

this bad time will show me all the good things in life,
and show me the purpose of my life.

(14 dec 2011, month 9)

i need to stop focusing on what i’ve lost, and remind myself of what i’ve gained.
it’s not easy, but i’m trying.

(28 jan 2012, month 10)

true friends are like stars –
during day time, you can’t see them but they’re looking at you.
against the dark backdrop, you see them twinkling in the sky.

(22 may 2012, month 14)

things will get better soon, right?
the fear of not knowing and not being able to be in control is quite intimidating.

(27 aug 2012, month 17)

i need a sign that points me in the right direction.
i hate feeling lost.

(1 dec 2012, month 20)
if the Mayan prediction is true, then we all have 20 days left to live.
I think it’s a good way to die,
because everyone leaves this world together.
no one will be left behind to face the loss and vacancy.

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