[brain fart] matters of the brain

i was chatting with my gf today,
we’re talking about the fear of being hurt.
not so much about being hurt physically, but emotionally.
matters of the heart, sometimes it almost seem like it’s totally irrational,
don’t they always say that the heart will over ride the brain?

i beg to differ.
in many cases, it’s actually all in our minds.
it seems illogical because we can’t decipher the real reasons that led to our decisions.
when the cause doesn’t justify the effect, we blame the heart.
since when is the heart able to make logical decisions? =_=

we were discussing a scenario as follows:
what if a girl likes a boy so much,
even when he doesn’t treat her the way she likes,
even when he does things that hurts her,
she still refused to leave him and continues to go back to him even when she know she shouldn’t.

at first glance it seems like “she likes him too much to leave”, which any person in the right might will go “that’s so illogical, but she likes him, there’s nothing you can do about it!”.
maybe at the beginning when she’s still infatuated with him, that could make sense.
but what if this is a long way down the road, when all that can be explored about each other has been explored, all the benefits of doubt has been given, all the chances used up, and still undesirable things are happening again and again?
blow after blow, the girl refuses to go.

i doubt that’s the reason she can’t leave.
any person who is not into submission will one day get enough of the shit and leave,
unless, there are other things that are tying her down, but let’s confine the main factor affecting her decision to her feelings for the sake of this discussion.

i’ve a friend who was in some sort of situation like that before.
she told me that she’s unhappy in the relationship, but if she left him, she’ll be even sadder.
at that point in time (before TSW) i couldn’t understand her thinking, since i always thought that it’s JUST the feelings that contribute to the union.
can you really like someone that much even when that person is hurting you?

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“do you mind if i ask you what happened between you and your boyfriend? i see you mention about him somewhere in your blog before!”

some of my blog readers asked me this question in our private emails.
they are girls who’re going through TSW and is attached to someone.
they asked me that because they find it hard for their boyfriend to be understanding, and so wondered if my experience was similar to theirs.
my next guess is that they wanted to project their love life using mine as an estimate.

i’ve never mentioned much about my relationship here, except for the little paragraph in “my story”. i had to mention about him because he was the one who first told me about TSA and TSW. other than that, there’s the occasional appreciation of his presence during such a depressing time. i believe that’s all.

i’m sorry to disappoint those girls, because i can tell that some of them really wished for things to work between them and their boyfriends.

“nope, i don’t mind at all! we broke up after some time because..”

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did the girl really stay because she liked him too much?
she probably thought that the boy was the best that she can ever get, and hence did not dare to leave.
why? because she under value herself, thinking that she don’t deserve anyone better.

what if she can’t meet someone who can accept her flaws the way he accepts her?
what if she can’t find anyone who will even like her?
what if she ends up being alone, and she fears being alone more so than being hurt by him? after all, she thinks that being adored by one is better than being adored by none.

=========

DISCLAIMER: I’M THAT NOT GIRL BTW. also, the boy is not my ex bf. the scenario is a fictional stage to illustrate my points.

during TSW, i wasn’t myself.
did i under value myself? absolutely!
and hence i had the really unhealthy thinking that i’m unworthy of any person’s care and concern.

as with every other relationships, there is bound to be friction.
we’re individuals after all, and each individuals are unique (read: different).
there are the good times when i feel blessed to have someone to stay by my side, because i feel that i don’t deserve anyone at all.
there are also the upsetting moments when things that displeases me happens, mostly due to the different thinking between us. because i feel that i don’t even deserve anyone in the first place, therefore i don’t think i have the right to complain or to fight for myself.

that puts me in a very bad spot.
my lack of self-esteem has made me very vulnerable as i wasn’t able to protect myself and to fight for my rights.
i can’t even voice out my opinions because i feel like my voice had left me.
what do i have left anyway? this rotten body that i hate so much.
how can i even expect anyone to like me when i can’t even bring myself to like myself?
do i really have a right to complain when he’s nice enough to stay by my side?
i should just accept things as it is because this is the best that i deserve.
oh wait. i think i don’t have a choice. i have to accept things as it is because he won’t leave.

and so, i put up with the unhappy moments that arose due to difficulty in understanding how TSW breaks a person.
i don’t blame him for not being able to understand.
i know he tried to, but it’s just impossible for someone who’s never been through TSW to understand the entirety of it.

our differences grew by the day as TSW continues to pull me away from his realms of understanding.
as i have lost my voice, i couldn’t help him understand my thinking (which directly affects my behaviour). each time when he is unable to understand me, i receive a blow.
i thought that if i can just accept things as it is, i will be able to build a bridge between us as i conform to his thinking.
i was wrong.

i’m not gonna lie, i feel like dobby from harry potter.
i can’t leave not because i like to stay, but because i can’t.

it’s depressing that i allow myself to put up with misunderstandings for life.

=======

now i can understand why did my friend choose to stay by her bf who hurt her umpteen times.
she don’t think she will ever find someone who will like and accept her.
or maybe, she couldn’t.
either way, it is her lack of self-esteem that made her so vulnerable,
and that made her make stupid decisions.

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the sad truth about TSW and relationship is this: TSW is like the mistress that tries to destroy your what you have with your partner.
if you tide through it, the both of you will end up with a stronger relationship because both grew a deeper understanding of each other. also, he who was there at your worst deserves to be at your best.
if not, it’s not a bad thing too, because you now know that he/she won’t be the one who can really understand you.

so i mentioned that i was putting up with the blows and trying my best to conform to his thinking.
this was done without any understanding.
it’s merely me giving in blindly, which is another stupid thing that the TSW-juliana did (i wasn’t myself, i need to repeat that).

i think i was setting myself up for trouble.
imagine me within a very hole (that’s longer than my height) beneath the ground during TSW.
every time a misunderstanding occurs, he throws some soil down.
instead of trying to build some staircase (or anything that enables me to get up) with the soil so that i can come up,
i just lay motionless, WAITING TO BE BURIED.

in retrospect, giving in blindly will never work for me.
it would have worked for the TSW-juliana, but not for me.

and so the story goes like this:
by the time i found myself back, the soil was up till my neck.
the level ground was just slightly above my head.
suddenly, i don’t want to die anymore.
i don’t allow myself to be buried anymore.
if i stayed any longer, the soil would have buried me entirely and i would have suffocated to my death, next thing i know i’ll be eaten by swarm of ants and maggots, bacteria and whatnot. HELL NO.
my feet were immobilized, and so were my arms, but nothing can stop me from getting out of this shit hole.
i now have an enormous amount of strength and motivation to get myself out – this energy comes from my heart and my will to fight for myself.
my fingers could wiggle, so i wiggled inch my inch trying to loosen the soil around me.
one arm out! and now the other too!
i saw a vine that is within my reach, i grabbed on to it and used my last bit of strength and dignity to pull myself out of the hole.
i looked back at the hole that i once used to reside, and i told myself i’ll never ever treat myself like that again.

giving up on myself is the worst thing that i can ever do to myself.
if i don’t fight for myself, who will?

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a skin friend asked me if i think it’s a good idea to get involved with someone during TSW. based on my own experience, i think it’s best to avoid that because the lack of self-esteem will easily land a person into the hole that i was in. it’s a slippery slope that usually ends badly. of course, with tremendous amount of effort, things would have worked out. i’m not saying that it’s impossible, it’s just difficult.

there could have been a different ending to my story though.
if i didn’t dig my way out,
i would have died a miserable death.
figuratively speaking, the juliana that i am would have died.
conforming to one’s idea and thinking blindly is as good as oppression.
i can never be myself again.
zombies have no feelings.
a life with no feelings is as good as being dead.

BUT, even a person committing suicide by hanging himself will struggle just before he dies.
do you know that we can’t hold our breath until we suffocate and die?
unless someone else strangle you, our body’s reflex will try to make you breathe once again.
the alternate ending is therefore highly unlikely, at least for me.

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that’s not to say that you should immediately breakup with your partner if you are going through TSW right now.

i’ve already mentioned the factors that led to this ending of the story:
1) the lack of self-esteem that led to my giving up in protecting myself
2) failing to explain misunderstandings to prevent them from happening again
3) thinking that i can allow myself to be harmed forever, thus giving in blindly all time
4) sudden realization at the last minute that i can not live my life like this because this is not me.

i am clearly not a submissive person, but during the course of TSW, i was.
if you’re the submissive type, perhaps point 4 will never occur to you.

as for the first 3 points, it can be acted upon.
1) don’t ever stop protecting yourself. just because you hate your skin doesn’t mean it don’t deserve any love from you. have a little mercy on yourself, because you definitely deserve more than what you think.
2) make it a point to explain to help your partner understand, even though it’s tiring and difficult, but if you really want them to understand, you’ll have to do your part too. even a doctor is not a psychic, whenever we go for consultation we still have to tell them our problems and symptoms. if they can understand a little more, the frequency of misunderstandings occurring will lessen, that means lesser hurt.
3) protect yourself when necessary. TSW is already painful enough, please don’t let any other thing hurt you. compromise with understanding, that way, a bridge can be built between you two even though TSW draw you both further and further away. otherwise, you’ll find yourself in that pit, and there’s usually only one ending.

the above suggestions are for those who wants to stay because they love their partner, not because they think that it’s wrong for them to leave.

if you were in the same pit as me, let me throw you a rope right now, hold on to it and get out if you want to before it’s too late. i don’t want anyone to receive unnecessary pain that hit me as i laid in that pit. if it was in the name of love, it wouldn’t have felt as bad when the damage was done.

when i say “protect yourself”, it goes both ways. you either protect yourself from the blows that he/she deals (by leaving) , or you protect yourself from the pain if he/she were to leave you (by trying to help them understand so that they will stay).

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that’s all for tonight’s brain fart.
haven’t had much ideas on what to write as of late as i feel that all that can be said have been said.
this is perhaps something new for you, and also for myself, as i have never spoken about what happened to my relationship before.

i usually don’t mind sharing personal stuff if it only pertains to me,
and for issues with friends, they can never guess if i’m actually talking about them.
but for this case, he could have easily identified himself, and i don’t want to make him feel bad if he ever chance upon this post.

the truth is, he never knew he dealt me so much damage.
after all, it was on my part that i failed and refused to reconcile the differences between us.
on the other hand, there’s no point in him knowing about all these now because it’s already in the past behind me.

but still, i’m glad for everything that have happened because it have taught me a lot.
for one, i will never ever give up on myself like that again.
i will fight for myself till my very last breath.
i’m sure this thinking will take me very far into my life.

regarding the matters of the brain, if you understood my frame of thought you might be able to figure out the logical steps that brought me to my decision 😉

as for the discussion with my gf,
i choose to think that a person with a healthy self-esteem will never fall into that horrible spiral where one cannot leave a painful relationship (assuming there are not other responsibilities tying him/her down).
no one can hurt you unless you allow them to,
so there is no fear to speak of because it’s actually within your control.
things that you can control, you don’t have to worry about it at all.

wonderful things TSW taught me.

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4 thoughts on “[brain fart] matters of the brain

  1. I truly admire you Juliana. Great post! This post shows your true strength and wisdom. Something everybody can learn from, including myself. Thank you and Godspeed in your healing.

  2. A good post.

    “zombies have no feelings.
    a life with no feelings is as good as being dead.”

    Will quote you on that one woman.

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