[brain fart] hate

something just spurred an idea in me, i need to get it out quick.

i’ve just observed hate from one of our fellow skin friends.

i’m using the term “skin friends” very loosely these days,
it no longer means people i actually talked to via email/comments/forum threads,
i just mean the entire TSW population in general.
in my eyes, we’re all one big family since we’re going through the same thing.
therefore, i think we’re all skin friends.

sure, we all hate steroids.
we all hate the dermatologist who prescribed us that very first tube of innocent looking steroids, and all the subsequent tubes (or tubs, in my case) that they push to us without questioning our steroid usage history, without giving a damn about how we’re using it, how frequent do we use it, how much are we using, and for landing us in hell when it is their fault for not administering it properly, or warning us appropriately about proper steroid usage, or even acknowledging the truth about steroid addiction and withdrawal.

i remember how angry i was at the beginning.
i can think of a thousand and one ways to torture a derm with the very own miracle drug that they prescribe so blindly.
whenever i speak of derms, only vulgarities would spew out of me.
hatred and blame was all i felt,
for i felt so helpless in the situation that i was in,
thinking that i did nothing to deserve what i’m going through right now.

why am i paying the price for their mistake?

wth, hatred might be an understatement.
i wished for all the derms who have diagnosed me in the past to burn in hell.
i wished for all the derms who have seen me WHILE i was going through TSW, and denying my claims, and PUSHING MORE STEROIDS TO ME to be burnt in the steroid hell.
seriously, hell has a place dedicated to them.
swimming pool filled with the strongest steroid lotions,
shower head that showers them with more steroids,
they can drink and eat steroids for all they like.
if such a thing exist, i wish the entire atmosphere is filled with steroid gas.
i want them to be encased in corticosteroids 24/7 for at least a good 5 years,
and then i’ll remove all traces of steroids and i’ll love to see what happens next.

welcome to hell.

but those angry moments have passed.
maybe because i’ve found my answer to that question that i asked.

i’m paying the price for their mistake because there is something for me to learn out of this.
it is due to their mistakes that i am able to learn.
not just to learn more about our skin, the science behind it, or all the technical stuff.

what i treasure more is the way it changed me mentally into a better person.
who can say no to a more resilient brain, a more positive mindset, a more motivated self, and a generally happier me?
all these are learnt through my TSW experience.

i think a person who remains hateful for a good 8 years after TSW is a fool,
because he has clearly not learnt anything out of the plight that he was in.
thankfully, i’m no fool.

life gives us difficulties and obstacles so that we can learn how to overcome them.
we always learn the most during the most difficult times.
if one doesn’t learn, then all those moments are nothing but a waste,
and he will most likely notice the problems of the same nature keeps repeating itself throughout his life.
because a problem is only a problem if one fails to solve it.
solve it now, and it will never be a problem anymore since you can easily overcome it in the future should it arise.

one can spend their life complaining and hating all the things that happened to them,
one can also ask themselves what can they do to set things right.

i think each and everyone of us have equal chances to grow,
but not all can see that lesson behind all of the unfortunate events.
god is fair, i guess.
because without such people, i will never know how much more i have in me as compared to others.

instead of asking “why are things happening to me?”,
why not ask “what are the things that i can get out of this?”.

constant hating and complaining gets you nowhere, and gets nothing done other than to tell the world the state of your mind.
but if you were to change that into a motivation to start making things better, then it’s a different story altogether.

my thought of the day.


11 thoughts on “[brain fart] hate

  1. hahahaha thanks Juliana u made me laugh about the steroid hell world part. was thinking wooahh no one wants to get Juliana mad! ๐Ÿ˜› nah thanks it was a good post – brain fart. i’m still battling with my hatred at times, think it’s just cos i’m in the shit of TSW now and guess it’s just normal to have these emotions. really hope i can be freely happy after TSW is finally over! x

    • hehehe i’m always glad to add some laughter to your life ๐Ÿ™‚ thanks for being so ๆงๅ ด!

      i think it’s only normal to feel hatred, especially when one is still suffering,
      as long as it doesn’t carry on into your future when you’re healed, i think it’s not an unhealthy thing!

      and i assure you that you’ll be happy when TSW is over ๐Ÿ™‚
      for sure!!!


  2. The part about the hate was very poetic and theatrical (*imagines a theater stage with what you mentioned*) :p

    I do totally agree with what you say. The doctors are ignorant although they have good intentions in mind, and we cant really blame them because lets just say you were the doctor instead, you probably do the same thing because its your job.

    I believe in God as a christian and I hope I do not offend any non-christians here but the first thing my mom told me in TSW was that to forgive the doctors no matter the circumstances, be it they were ignorant or proud, because it was exactly what Jesus felt when he was betrayed, crucified and eventually hung on the cross for our sins. And as what Juliana mentioned, it changes you into a good person and give you a new insight on life, and the things we used take for granted.

    With that much constant hate, your road to recovery will be an even longer one, filled with even more obstacles because it is going to add more stress which can trigger flares. The mental state of mind believe it or not, can affect your recovery rate.

    We learn in TSW not to take things for granted, and although it is hell to go through, why not as Juliana mentioned, think of what we can get out of this instead of harbouring the hate? To put things into perspective, we should give thanks for what we have because cancer patients would gladly trade places with us if they had a chance to. The suffering is temporary, but whatever you get out of it carries on. If you got something positive out of TSW, I wont say that its a waste of 1-2 years of time, because you found a cure to your lifelong problem which you were convinced by the doctors that it was chronic and you had already resigned to fate; and it made you a better person. But if you don’t learn anything out of TSW and come out still full of hatred; although you have recovered, you would have wasted those 1-2 years for nothing.

    Sorry for the long wall of text, just rattled off here. I hope you don’t mind Juliana! God bless!

  3. I really love your blog. I have learnt alot from your blog. I managed to overcome the steroid effect and now I completely stop using steroid. Its been almost a year. Thanks for making a big change in my life.

  4. here’s an idea for that hell….douse them with itching powder and have them scratch their skin to oblivion, then slather on those maximum strength steroid ointments. rinse and repeat. ha!!!

    it’s perfectly understandable why you are still so upset. when it starts getting to you, just remind yourself that it’s all behind you now and you have your life back. plus, even well after your healing, you’re now passing the torch and helping so many other TSW sufferers with this blog (i’ve noticed many people after healing abandon their blogs).

    in a sense, i’m kind of glad i have to undergo this process, because hardships often bring good things in the end. i say to myself…..once i heal, i will gain appreciation for the tiniest things in life that so many people take for granted. things as simple as being able to wake up to soft, calm skin.

    i’m doing okay on my journey. once i heal i’ll fly to singaporeand we can go skin care shopping. HAHA i love asian skin care products…have you used any cool/fun ones? masks etc?

    • hey grant! don’t get me wrong. i’m not upset at all right now! i’m feeling find as god permits me to, i just feel sorry for that dude who’s still so consumed with hate.

      it’s true that tsw helps us appreciate the things in life so much more than before ๐Ÿ™‚

      HAHAHA omg are you one the korean guys who go crazy about skin care? perhaps you’d like to fly to korea instead and shop all the skin care products. i’m still experimenting with skin care, leaning towards the safe side since my skin might still be sensitive sometimes. i think you’ll love korean skin care. they have weird things like egg mousse face wash, snail mucus serum, and whatsnot.. korea will be your heaven, i believe. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • HAHAHA YES that would be me…that is hilarious how you know about those korean guys (even though i’m actually chinese). perhaps we will fly to korea together instead when i heal. ha! i’ve always wanted to korea for many reasons but skin care shopping there would be such a feat.

        for your sensitive skin you should check out “nature republic aloe vera gel.” it’s suppose to be one of the best. also to show off how smooth your skin is now you can look up etude house’s “nymph aura volumer.” it’ll make your skin glossy and glowy and you’ll be the most popular girl on the block.

      • holy cow you know more skin care stuff than i do! damnnn!!! i shall check them out. ๐Ÿ˜‰ as to your kind invitation to fly to korea together, i’m afraid i’ll have to reject you on that because i’ll probably visit korea with my boyfriend ๐Ÿ˜›

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