[RSS] 8 june 2014

20140609-092424.jpg 20140609-092142.jpg

depending on which side of the earth you’re on.

yesterday was my cousin’s wedding lunch and i had a GOOOOOOOOOOD TIME,
c’mon, 6 glasses of wine later, my time better be good, right!?

even though there are some slight skin woes of late,
i am still decked out in my sleeveless top because it’s actually quite normal looking.
i mean, it looks so normal that no one brought up any queries about my skin at all.
what i mean is, i may have exaggerated whatever i observe and described in my documentation entries. take that with a pinch of salt.
it must be the lighting or air in my room that changed my vision and perception.

it’s been a really hectic and busy week for me,
i haven’t been out so many times a week since a year ago.

how time flies, it’s been a year since i started sharing my post-TSW life here with everyone.
sometimes i don’t know if that’s a good thing.
although i know that most of you draw hope and strength from my recovery,
there are also a huge bunch of people who felt disappointed and devastated when their skin didn’t heal according to my time line.

i know exactly how that feels – the desperation to heal, and the disappointment when i realize i’m nowhere near someone else’s progress, and then a small tinge of fear starts appearing “what if i never heal up? what if.. this isn’t TSW? what if i’m like this forever?”.

FUCK THAT THOUGHT, seriously. i learnt to say “fuck it! i’m gonna stop pegging myself to others” after a while. it’s not healthy to constantly try to check my progress when i know there is no scientific way to do that.

if i’ve ever made you feel that way, i’m so sorry to induce that kind of feeling.
please turn away from anyone else’s blog (including mine, good bye, we’ll meet again when you’re feeling better) and documentation until you come to terms with the realities of TSW. it’s not gonna be lighting fast, it’s not gonna be exactly the same as anyone else’s even if you both stopped using steroids at the same time, or have a similar steroid usage history.

i’ve not mentioned this before, i believe, however, as much as there are similarities between all of our steroid stories, there are also plenty of differences between individuals that may result in the many different healing stories that you and i will come to experience.

some people heal up incredibly faster as compared to myself, and there’s no point in pegging my healing to theirs only to feel disappointed and sad.
if you’ve been doing this subconsciously, now is a good time i ring that bell in your subconscious so that your conscious mind can take over to stop you from beating yourself up with needless worries.

one of the things i learnt during my nightmarish days is this: the lesser you care, the better it is.
it’s gonna be hard if you have something pressing you to heal, for example, if you have work, or certain commitments that puts a deadline to your healing. i’m sorry if you belong to those groups, because the best you can do is to try your best to calm your mind and to convince yourself that everything will be ok then.
if you’re more lucky in a sense that you have all the time in the world to heal, then just let your mind rest and allow your body to take its time to do its job.

it’s just like being rushed to get certain stuff in the grocery store, i end up forgetting what i need. if you rush your body into healing, you may just end up with slipshod work – and your body will have to go through yet another healing again to repair those faults.

going through TSW once is more than enough. just let it be done with once and for all.

i know how humans like to know their progress, it’s hardly ever enough to just keep the end in mind because we wanna know how far in are we. or rather, we wanna know when will we heal!

CRAP, i wanna know that too! but science tells me extrapolation is hardly accurate, because there’re so many uncertainties.

if you really need an answer, just keep the 2 years figure in mind. it’s hard to swallow “2 fucking years!?” initially, therefore, just take it one day at a time. and then a week. and then a month.

i remember telling myself month after month “perhaps my skin will be better next month”. and then time passed and after a total of 22 months, i finally saw improvements that made a difference. (and healing continues beyond that, just that at 22 months, i’m able to function normally again)

it will be so much easier if we know how long the journey will take us. however, life is hardly that smooth. i’ve learnt to see TSW as a lesson that teaches me to keep prodding forward despite not knowing how much further i have to go. give yourself a piece of carrot to motivate yourself to go just one more day. truth is, we can’t cover that huge a distance in one day anyway, but the accumulations of distance will add up and make a huge difference.

this is not a johnny walker ad.


p.s. didn’t intend to write such a long entry for this random self shot post, but that alcohol from yesterday must have opened some floodgates in my mind. it definitely lowered that censorship bar too. this entry definitely needs a PG rating.


26 thoughts on “[RSS] 8 june 2014

  1. 2 years is a solid ball park figure. I’m at 2.5 years and the last 6 months have been comparatively “smooth sailing” compared to the first 2 years. Hungover mindset creates interesting

    • hahaha hey brendan! yea, 2 years is just an estimate for those who really need a number to hold on to. at least, things are getting increasingly easier for you, right? 😉

      • Yeh for sure! Out of interest did you ever try like a full clean eating paleo diet? Im thinking about hoping back on the full clean eating bandwagon, Not sure how long i will last though…

      • HMM paleo? nope. but i tried cutting out processed carbs and meat last month. it last for a few weeks only. HAHAHA.. oh damn. the temptation is just too huge. :/ but er, i’ll have to clean up my diet again. my body is going out of balance.

      • Yeh the thing is it is so hard to tell whether clean diet helps or if it just part of the cycle haha Im going to try clean eating again for a while. Yes things are getting better and better with every cycle 🙂 Haha also is white wine or red wine better for us skin people :p

      • hahaha yea that’s the thing.. and not eating certain food makes me feel somewhat miserable. so i was like.. EHHH FUCK IT *eats bread*. i don’t know too much about the impact of red or white wine on us though.. so i’ll leave that to your personal preference! but personally i’ve had both and neither seem to irritate me. beer may make me itch if i had too much though.

  2. I remember first starting TSW thinking I could get this out of the way in 6 months and the go on living my life. In the beginning even 6 months seemed like a lifetime. Now that I’m almost at 12 months the time it takes seem very much less important. Just focusing on what you have to do today and getting through today is the only thing that should be on your mind. The harder you focus on today, the faster time seems to just fly. Keep on posting about the good life! I miss wine… so so much.

    • i second that. just focus on this 24 hours, it’s attainable. and then all the 24 hours will accumulate and BAM you’re ready to live the life you want to again! 😀 it’s good that you have adopted that thinking, it’ll do you good for life!

      keep missing the wine now, because it will make it THAT MUCH sweeter when you finally get to drink it again! hahaha i don’t mean to sound sadistic here ok.. 😛

      good luck!

  3. Hah this post has come at a time where I needed it most! But Generally your blog Juliana is great i must say

    • aww thank you alex..! i know there’s always two sides to a coin, i hope to minimize the discomfort for those who may end up feeling bad.

      hope you’re doing well!

      • Well my skin isn’t doing too well, but i’m not too bad thanks as i’ve started my summer break and can just relax x). But i was wondering what you did with your time during bad TSW ? Because it can actually get pretty boring

      • ahh it’s good that you have your summer break! just about time! i spent my time watching drama endlessly. i finished the entire season of fringe, house, and big bang theory, even binged on 2 broke girls. hahahaha excessive drama drowns my mind. 😉 you can do something more productive than that seriously.

  4. Hi Juliana,
    Do you use any special detergent during and post TSW (after say like 22 months)?
    Do you think detergent also plays a part in speeding the recovery of TSW?

    Aopreciate a lot for the advice!

    • hello anne,

      by detergent, do you mean washing powder, or dish cleaner? or soap? i didn’t use anything special. i didn’t even use soap. even after TSW i don’t use soap. i guess the less you are exposed to chemicals, the better it is for your body.

      • Hi Juliana,
        Guess i didn’t make myself clear. I was referring to clothes detergent.

        I was thinking of switching to baby detergent where it could be less harsh? Am currently using off the shelf supermarket detergent. And i read somewhere that its best to do a few more rinse thereafter with plain water (over and above the normal washing cycle).
        Any advise you can help on this area?

        Sincerely Anne

      • HMM, i think you could try if that doesn’t hurt your wallet too much. logically speaking, since our skin is hypersensitive during TSW periods, it’s best to reduce exposure to all sorts of possible allergens, such as detergents. why not give it a try and see if it works for you? if not, you can save your money and stop purchasing baby detergents.


  5. What are your preventive measures to the influences of these allergens around us? Maybe you can share with us and maybe it can be a topic (bedsheets, laundry, use of air purifier topics, etc) for your next post (for your consideration)?

    Looking forward to more post!

    • hehe thank you for your suggestion! i would love to write about that but i haven’t been actively trying to reduce that sort of allergens, so i don’t have much to offer! it’s just the basic idea of good hygiene like changing bedsheets often, dusting the room. i don’t care about laundry or air purifier though.. i think i’m not that sensitive that i require such a sterile environment for myself. i’ll see if i can write something about that next time! 🙂

  6. Hi Juliana!
    I’m sure people ask you this so many times… but what are your thoughts now on tapering? You said in the FAQ that even if you taper you’ll end up with the withdrawal symptoms. Could you elaborate on your thoughts on tapering? Thanks!!

    • hello gena!

      what thoughts do you want to know on tapering? i still hold the same stand towards tapering – it’s useless. think of how the skin worsens over time when you’re not giving it enough steroids, that is sort of like tapering, isn’t it? and what does the skin do? it just worsens slower. i would rather it come fast and go fast. not only is tapering not helping your skin, you damage your skin further by messing up with all the chemical and physical pathways.

      hope this helps!

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