GOOD SUNDAY/MONDAY EVERYONE,
depending on which side of the earth you’re on.
yesterday was my cousin’s wedding lunch and i had a GOOOOOOOOOOD TIME,
c’mon, 6 glasses of wine later, my time better be good, right!?
even though there are some slight skin woes of late,
i am still decked out in my sleeveless top because it’s actually quite normal looking.
i mean, it looks so normal that no one brought up any queries about my skin at all.
what i mean is, i may have exaggerated whatever i observe and described in my documentation entries. take that with a pinch of salt.
it must be the lighting or air in my room that changed my vision and perception.
it’s been a really hectic and busy week for me,
i haven’t been out so many times a week since a year ago.
how time flies, it’s been a year since i started sharing my post-TSW life here with everyone.
sometimes i don’t know if that’s a good thing.
although i know that most of you draw hope and strength from my recovery,
there are also a huge bunch of people who felt disappointed and devastated when their skin didn’t heal according to my time line.
i know exactly how that feels – the desperation to heal, and the disappointment when i realize i’m nowhere near someone else’s progress, and then a small tinge of fear starts appearing “what if i never heal up? what if.. this isn’t TSW? what if i’m like this forever?”.
FUCK THAT THOUGHT, seriously. i learnt to say “fuck it! i’m gonna stop pegging myself to others” after a while. it’s not healthy to constantly try to check my progress when i know there is no scientific way to do that.
if i’ve ever made you feel that way, i’m so sorry to induce that kind of feeling.
please turn away from anyone else’s blog (including mine, good bye, we’ll meet again when you’re feeling better) and documentation until you come to terms with the realities of TSW. it’s not gonna be lighting fast, it’s not gonna be exactly the same as anyone else’s even if you both stopped using steroids at the same time, or have a similar steroid usage history.
i’ve not mentioned this before, i believe, however, as much as there are similarities between all of our steroid stories, there are also plenty of differences between individuals that may result in the many different healing stories that you and i will come to experience.
some people heal up incredibly faster as compared to myself, and there’s no point in pegging my healing to theirs only to feel disappointed and sad.
if you’ve been doing this subconsciously, now is a good time i ring that bell in your subconscious so that your conscious mind can take over to stop you from beating yourself up with needless worries.
one of the things i learnt during my nightmarish days is this: the lesser you care, the better it is.
it’s gonna be hard if you have something pressing you to heal, for example, if you have work, or certain commitments that puts a deadline to your healing. i’m sorry if you belong to those groups, because the best you can do is to try your best to calm your mind and to convince yourself that everything will be ok then.
if you’re more lucky in a sense that you have all the time in the world to heal, then just let your mind rest and allow your body to take its time to do its job.
it’s just like being rushed to get certain stuff in the grocery store, i end up forgetting what i need. if you rush your body into healing, you may just end up with slipshod work – and your body will have to go through yet another healing again to repair those faults.
going through TSW once is more than enough. just let it be done with once and for all.
i know how humans like to know their progress, it’s hardly ever enough to just keep the end in mind because we wanna know how far in are we. or rather, we wanna know when will we heal!
CRAP, i wanna know that too! but science tells me extrapolation is hardly accurate, because there’re so many uncertainties.
if you really need an answer, just keep the 2 years figure in mind. it’s hard to swallow “2 fucking years!?” initially, therefore, just take it one day at a time. and then a week. and then a month.
i remember telling myself month after month “perhaps my skin will be better next month”. and then time passed and after a total of 22 months, i finally saw improvements that made a difference. (and healing continues beyond that, just that at 22 months, i’m able to function normally again)
it will be so much easier if we know how long the journey will take us. however, life is hardly that smooth. i’ve learnt to see TSW as a lesson that teaches me to keep prodding forward despite not knowing how much further i have to go. give yourself a piece of carrot to motivate yourself to go just one more day. truth is, we can’t cover that huge a distance in one day anyway, but the accumulations of distance will add up and make a huge difference.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING. KEEP WALKING.
this is not a johnny walker ad.
p.s. didn’t intend to write such a long entry for this random self shot post, but that alcohol from yesterday must have opened some floodgates in my mind. it definitely lowered that censorship bar too. this entry definitely needs a PG rating.