month 42

21 september 2014

so yesterday i noticed some dry skin around my mouth area. i guess they’re remnant skin from the slightly irritated skin from a few days ago.

noticed some itching one night, but it quickly dissipated (thank god) and i fell asleep.

i may have overloaded on my sugar intake too much ๐Ÿ˜› moon cakesssssss YESSSSSSSS.

i have a few little bumps on my face.
neck feels dry.
so does my arm folds (because i scratched them a little too much i think?)

my legs have been doing well, other than them looking a little patchy (just very slightly), they feel smooth and great. i’ve been wearing shorts lately ๐Ÿ˜€ if people ask, i’ll just say i’m in love with leopard prints so i have them on my skin too.

i’m pretty sure my neck is going through it’s own healing cycles for the past few months. i did slather lots of steroids there, FML. a few months back, there were these little round spots that would scab over and over again. now they’re gone, it’s just general dryness.

that’s all for now.


10 october 2014

i don’t feel too good right now. this reminds me too much of the start of my withdrawals, it’s kinda freaking me out.

i’ve had a pretty bad week – got the worst possible shock in my life thus far, PMS, pretty bad air and hot weather, and everything just crumbled and now my skin is a total bitch.

i admit i dealt the damage to myself, because i find myself scratching a lot more this week. my neck is a gone case for now, it resembles my neck from month 20+. hahaha good lord, wtf is this?

just how fucking long does it take for the skin to heal from steroid damage? fucking hell.

there were several nights when i can’t fall asleep. you know the lack of sleep always make my skin feel worse. i actually wake up feeling so dry for the past few days.

how can i not be reminded of those hellish days?

the thought of “i’ve been through this before and it went away, i’m sure it will go away this time too” is keeping me sane. not crying yet. just pretty damn helpless that 3 years after steroid cessation, my skin still isn’t fully healed yet.

and FYI, i haven’t been using moisturizers on my neck for the past 6 months. so please, don’t rub it in by telling me “i told you so~ moisturizers are stopping you from healing.”. not sure if anyone is as mean as that, but i thought i’d take a precautionary step first.

i can’t help but want to point fingers to elomet, that very last steroids that worked on my skin, because it seems like the areas that’re flaring up now are places where i’ve used that shit.

the last time the area around my lips flared was 6 months ago, sometime in april.

it freaking hurts when i perspire.

i’m almost exhausted of my positive energy. had a few bad dreams and woke up feeling the remnant feelings. it wasn’t good.

i just want to stop scratching and let my skin do what it does best – healing.

i’ll murder some peeps (we all know who they are) in my dream tonight maybe. slow death by elomet withdrawal, i’ll just watch them die real slow, literally “having a taste of their own medicine”.

all the rants aside,
1. skin is red, dry and thicker than usual
2. flaking daily from those irritated parts
3. lip area is dry, lips are sensitive and feels like there are little vesicles around (NOT sores)
4. left cheek is dry and rashy
5. neck is deep red, dry and rough
6. upper chest is speckled with dark red patches. FML.
7. inner elbow has red patches too from the scratchings
8. can’t sleep at night
9. wake up feeling dryyyy
10. tore some skin on my scalp and now it’s oozing. =_=
11. swollen eyes, again!

feels like i am having some systemic inflammation because my body appears to be more sensitive than usual.

sigh. ghost from the past is haunting me again. the fear of falling back into that frame of thought is more scary than the skin actually.



hotos taken in the past 3 days.

GAHHHH. whatever. this is just like in april.
it’ll go again, let’s see how long it takes this time.

on the other hand, such is the long lasting damage of steroids.
i should have know better.


20 thoughts on “month 42

  1. Oh Juliana, I hope this is it for you. I am in month 26 and look EXACTLY like you do at the moment (face, neck, arms and for me hands are flaring too), which at least is better than I looked 2 months ago. After healed skin for so long, it is so mentally defeating to be back in it. I wish you strength and hope you deal with this regression better than I have been dealing with mine. You went through hell before and came out looking stunning – I have faith it will happen again. Hang in there.

    • thank you mandy.. you’re too sweet. i really hope this is the last, but that’s just unrealistic. even a normal person will have skin woes throughout their life due to the different circumstances. let’s just say steroids have made me more fragile than before. but that’s okay, being a control freak, i’ll try my best to stick to a cleaner and healthier diet and way of life.

      and you’re absolutely right, it’s really demanding on my mind when things suddenly go out of hand after so long. but i’ve learnt to accept it. back then i didn’t deal with the situations too well – i was depressed, sad, demotivated.. you know, just living life as a slug. i’ll try to do something a little differently this time round. ๐Ÿ˜€

      thanks for your encouragement, i just wanna give you a BIG HUG.
      come over here! ๐Ÿ˜€

  2. Juliana, thanks for your blog and continuous update. I’m now in month 12 and have been on my second major flare since month 11. I was actually almost completely well between month 10-11 that I could actually venture outside. And now alas, it’s almost as bad as when all this first started. I have no idea how you are so positive because emotionally I am in a much darker place than when this all began…

    • oh sean, trust me, i was totally broken when my skin dived into its second flare in month 8. i thought what i experienced in the first 8 months was bad, then came my second flare and i was in hell for another year. i was just as dark as you are right now, it’s totally normal. i’m only more positive now because i’ve been at the end and know that i will heal again. but for you, it may take you a while to come to where i am to have a slightly different perspective. but trust me, you’ll be here eventually ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. Are u sure its tsw only? Might be some allergic reaction to sudden temperature change or something..well u know it better though :).. stay strong hun!

    • hey javeria, i’m pretty sure it’s not the TSW we come to know of. i’ve been off steroids long enough to know this is definitely not a rebound scenario. but the skin is indeed damaged and not fully healed even after so long. coupled with bad weather, stress, and diet.. everything crumbles faster for people like us who’re more fragile.

      what to do? i’ll have to stick to a stricter diet and way of living ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. I’m only 10 months in and I’m in a massive flare all over especially my face. It also hurts a LOT when I perspire like you said, so I know how horrible this shit is. You were a long-term user so that probably has an impact on your situation. One thing we can all agree on is you have healed dramatically and this BS will be over for you. Fact. I think the TSW is just fizzling out for you right now and it’s dying out. You’re certainly over the worst of it. Keep your head up, like you’ve kept mine up with your blog! Remember a few years sacrificed for a lifetime of healthy skin is without a doubt worth it.

    • only people who’ve went through this personally can understand how we all feel, right? hahaha i feel like i have a lot of remote brothers and sisters because we’re all connected via TSW.

      and you’re right, this BS will be over for me in time to come. i think my flare came about from bad diet and stress. stress plays a very important role so..

      i will definitely keep my heads up! :))) i’m glad to be able to do that little favour for you by updating my blog. thank you so much for your kind words once again!

      stay strong!

  5. You know you have loads of fans here wishing you well๐Ÿ˜€

    Thanks for always being honest in your updates. I know how hard it is. I hate posting flare pictures when I know everyone wants to see healed ones, but being honest about the process is the most important thing we can do.

    I think the skin gets better and better with time, but we have done so much damage with the steroids that sometimes the skin “remembers” and goes back a step before it “remembers” how to be good again.

    Come back good skin! Xoxoxoxo

    • thank you louise! yea i really hate to be a downer when i know people are coming here for hope, but facts are facts, steroid damages my skin more so than i thought it did. and coupled with stress i experienced lately just means that i have to do more than just nothing to maintain my skin.

      it’s okay, because there is something to learn in every part of my journey, be it up or down. and what’s best is, i get to share with so many people what i will learn! ๐Ÿ˜€

      i think the skin is just more fragile than a normal person’s skin, but that’s just what i suspect. i’ll test it out with good diet and see if that will help in the long run!

      xoxoxo hope you’re doing well louise!

  6. how… serendipitous.

    I’m three years into TSW, feeling some mild mild mild flares all of August, September… and then BAM! Huge flare, October. Which I’ve had for the past four years; every Sept/Oct, I flare, that is. Face (including ears, which always amuses/depresses me), scalp, neck, chest, shoulders, armpits, stomach, groin (sigh). My arms haven’t been able to bend for a week because I went to town on my elbow flexors.

    Currently, my face feels like it’s summer… sometimes when it is this hot, I feel like I am radiating, fever like. White nose though! Always.

    I took my first shower in six days today! Yahoo. Sleep is inconsistent, which makes things harder.

    I admire your acceptance and tenacity. This round, I am sad and angry and depressed. Some moments of clarity, and peace, but mainly roller coaster of up and down mood.

    • jo, is this a coincidence that we flared around the same time? haha I guess we can do a high 5 for that matter.

      do you think it could be due to other reasons since you flare every October? it sounds some what seasonal to me, and it’s on a cyclical basis. definitely worth looking into.

      I’m sorry you feel so bad ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I can totally relate. while my symptoms weren’t as bad as they were 2 years ago, this is actually bad enough to remind me of those horrible days. it’s normally to be sad, angry, and depressed. just let them come and go. I can’t say I wasn’t sad, in fact I was sad and scared. but they have their own life cycle, I just need to let them pass through my body before I get back on my feet. I hope your turn comes soon enough!

      • Thank you for your encouragement. It’s so nice to be able to communicate with someone who “gets it” first hand.

        Any thoughts about being out and about in public while this goes on? My face is not pussing or leaking like in the bad days, but still between pink and red (the entire face), pale nose. Dry. It makes me want to hide, which I’ve been doing for the past six days. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go tutor a student. Do you pep talk yourself? Try not to think about it??

        I suppose what is underlying is that I care too much about what other people think of me..?

  7. Ugh, rebound flares are the worst. I actually was doing really well as well then about three days ago it become all red and itchy again. Thankfully it is starting to scab over and subside now. When the husband goes back to australia, I think I am resuming no grains diet again. Here’s hoping you’ll get better again… which I think you know you will. The beauty(?) of rebound flare is that now you know that it will become better and normal again, so as more devastating as it could be, you are (well I am) have stronger hope that it will again go back to normal.

    On another note, I am doing a presentation for my class on TSW and I would love to use your photos. I wanted to ask before doing so. Let me know! And you know when I go to Korea, I would love to visit singapore (or you can come to Korea!) and for us to hang out ๐Ÿ™‚

    • ESTHERRRR~ sorry to hear about your flare. but you’re ABSOLUTELY right. a rebound flare doesn’t hit me as hard because i’ve already experienced healing before ๐Ÿ˜€ you think grains are the issue? coincidentally, i’m about to embark on a no grain diet too – GLUTEN FREE!!! i remember you’re studying neurology, i recently read this book called grain brain, perhaps it’ll make more sense to you and with your knowledge, you’ll be more critical of the studies the author used.

      and please take what you need to spread the TSW love to more people! i love it when my photo serves more utility than to digust myself. HAHAHAH! OMG PLEASE COME TO SG, and i hope i can catch you in korea some day. :DDD I WANT TO GO TO KOREA SO BAD, mainly to eat and to shop all the cosmetics though. hahahahaha! and hopefully to ogle at some really good looking oppas. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

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