“if you don’t have much to begin with, you have nothing much to lose too.”
I thought of this when I was showering. aha! I always feel most enlightened in my shower. 3 years down the road, I’m still showering in the dark. I think there must be something about the lack of vision, it just makes me think through things that I don’t normally think about.
or maybe I was just too bored in the shower.
I was wondering how come I’m so much stronger this time round.
1) I’ve seen the worst, so this flare is just a dwarf compared to what I’ve been through
2) I’m mentally stronger ever since surviving the first flare
3) my mode of life isn’t too different as compared to just prior to this flare
and point 3 is what led to the conclusion above. well, 3 years ago I was at the height of my teenage years, my prime, my golden years, whatever you call it. I was socializing a hell lot, partying on a weekly basis, being with my friends weekly.. I had a lot of things going on.
they all had to end, ABRUPTLY.
this time round, I’m in another phase of life – working and minding my own business. meeting my friends once in a while. I don’t know if it’s sad or not, because now that I think of it.. i’m doing things that I could have done when I’m in a flare. hahahaha! but hey, don’t judge. I am happy with my new life style. I’m putting in effort doing work that I enjoy doing. when I meet my friends it’s really quality time as I don’t meet them that often. my favourite time is to eat out and shop around with my family.
ever since I healed, I changed.
instead of focusing my life on maximising the my own enjoyment, I’m now focusing on improving my family’s enjoyment. I’ve been working towards that goal.
I feel like I’ve detached myself from a lot of unnecessary wants and desires because of the shift in goal.
and because I’m wanting less now, I don’t feel like I lost a lot when I’m in a flare.
if you have never had a break yet, it may be helpful to try to remind yourself that you WILL heal, and you WILL get to continue your life from before TSW hit you. but who knows, by then you may have already matured so much from the experience that you no longer lust after those that only benefit yourself.
the more impersonal it becomes, the lesser you will lose in the future because the feeling of wanting to possess is now diminished.
right now, i feel like i have nothing to lose.
you may think that i’ve lost what i gained back for the past 1.5 years. i hardly see things as a loss these days. every loss is a lesson that will eventually pay me double in return. i feel like i’ll gain something out of this episode, as with the previous time. just that i’m too myopic to full understand the full potential of what this may bring me.
but i know deep down that this is not a loss. at least, i make myself believe so.
the faster you detach yourself from the thought of wanting, the faster will you come to terms with reality and live a more satisfied life. remember, unrealistic wants will only lead to disappointment. why make our own life difficult for ourselves when we have every control over the way we think and make choices?
brain fart of the moment.