[brain fart] losing it

“if you don’t have much to begin with, you have nothing much to lose too.”

I thought of this when I was showering. aha! I always feel most enlightened in my shower. 3 years down the road, I’m still showering in the dark. I think there must be something about the lack of vision, it just makes me think through things that I don’t normally think about.

or maybe I was just too bored in the shower.

I was wondering how come I’m so much stronger this time round.

1) I’ve seen the worst, so this flare is just a dwarf compared to what I’ve been through
2) I’m mentally stronger ever since surviving the first flare
3) my mode of life isn’t too different as compared to just prior to this flare

and point 3 is what led to the conclusion above. well, 3 years ago I was at the height of my teenage years, my prime, my golden years, whatever you call it. I was socializing a hell lot, partying on a weekly basis, being with my friends weekly.. I had a lot of things going on.

they all had to end, ABRUPTLY.

this time round, I’m in another phase of life – working and minding my own business. meeting my friends once in a while. I don’t know if it’s sad or not, because now that I think of it.. i’m doing things that I could have done when I’m in a flare. hahahaha! but hey, don’t judge. I am happy with my new life style. I’m putting in effort doing work that I enjoy doing. when I meet my friends it’s really quality time as I don’t meet them that often. my favourite time is to eat out and shop around with my family.

ever since I healed, I changed.

instead of focusing my life on maximising the my own enjoyment, I’m now focusing on improving my family’s enjoyment. I’ve been working towards that goal.

I feel like I’ve detached myself from a lot of unnecessary wants and desires because of the shift in goal.

and because I’m wanting less now, I don’t feel like I lost a lot when I’m in a flare.

if you have never had a break yet, it may be helpful to try to remind yourself that you WILL heal, and you WILL get to continue your life from before TSW hit you. but who knows, by then you may have already matured so much from the experience that you no longer lust after those that only benefit yourself.

the more impersonal it becomes, the lesser you will lose in the future because the feeling of wanting to possess is now diminished.

right now, i feel like i have nothing to lose.

you may think that i’ve lost what i gained back for the past 1.5 years. i hardly see things as a loss these days. every loss is a lesson that will eventually pay me double in return. i feel like i’ll gain something out of this episode, as with the previous time. just that i’m too myopic to full understand the full potential of what this may bring me.

but i know deep down that this is not a loss. at least, i make myself believe so.

the faster you detach yourself from the thought of wanting, the faster will you come to terms with reality and live a more satisfied life. remember, unrealistic wants will only lead to disappointment. why make our own life difficult for ourselves when we have every control over the way we think and make choices?

brain fart of the moment.


9 thoughts on “[brain fart] losing it

  1. Wow, so beautifully written! I especially liked this part, “i hardly see things as a loss these days. every loss is a lesson that will eventually pay me double in return. i feel like i’ll gain something out of this episode, as with the previous time.” TSW really forces us to put things into perspective, and to learn from our suffering. I like to say, “nothing is wasted”. I’ve felt in the past that the many years of me being ill (Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and eczema related) was a loss of time and that I was missing out, but I now know that that time was just to teach me how my body was crying out for me to treat it right and get healthy.

    I always love checking out your blog! Congrats on being 3yrs + steroid free! My 3 year mark will be in March, and I’m definitely looking forward to it!

    Take Care,

    • thank you jen 🙂 i agree with you so much! all these things are pushing us onto the healthier life style, which will benefit us eventually!

      i hope your skin is doing well!

  2. Hi Juliana
    I’ve been following your blog for a number of months but have only just managed to comment due to the power of Facebook. Thanks for sharing your story! Your photos and journey is incredible.
    I don’t mean to sound awful, but I really hope I can help you put your stress about the use of moisturizers to rest. I find it incredibly frustrating that so many TSW sufferers swear by MW when it is a personal choice. I got so angry when I read your last blog post that I wrote my own blog post about MW.
    To my knowledge there have been no studies done on moisturizer withdrawal, so there isn’t really any reason why moisturizers would slow down your healing. Dr Rap recommends his patients use moisturizer, so you’re looking at 3000 + patients who have healed using moisturizer. Louise from the forum is nearly healed, and Nina sloan who is healed, both used moisturizers throughout their healing process.
    In literature reviews for eczema moisturizers are considered one of the best things you can use because they kind of imitate the skins natural barrier and help protect it from infections and various other environmental irritants.
    The body heals from the inside out with TSW. Yes, the inflammation in the body is what signals it to heal, but moisturizers won’t affect this as it happens at the cellular level.
    I’m really sorry you are flaring so long in the process, but I hope you are still able to function and it is not affecting your life too much. I wrote a blog post on this if you are interested:

    Is it just your face/neck that are flaring? This means the rest of you is probably healed.

    I send you hugs. Would be interesting to hear from you

    • hi jordan, i just realize your comment was sent to the spam section (wordpress’s automation!). i just see your comment right now..

      thanks for standing up for me regarding the case of MW. i’m not really stressed out about moisturizing actually, but i just felt like i need to put everything out in case some really passionate MW proponents try to force it down my throat in a pretty unpleasant way, i’d rather just state it out to avoid any of that.

      i always believe in “listen to your body”. i’ve moisturized in the past and i’ve healed up! but this time round, i realize i operate better without moisturizer on my rashy area. firstly, because my skin doesn’t crack open like they did, neither are my mobility limited by my skin. i actually don’t need a moisturizer. in fact, applying a face cream made me ooze a little. 😦 you can be rest assured that i didn’t apply moisturizer this time on my own accord, not because i’m pressured into it!

      there are actually science journals that detailed how using creams on damaged skin will slow its recovery. of course, it may be a different story for us, but reading those papers opened my brains to more ideas. i guess, moderation is the key to life!

      thanks for your thoughtful comment!


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