another month down. a lot more thoughts and less actual documentation this month because i am a little more “feely” than usual.
22 may 2015
it seems like the weekly up and down is still going on.
it may be coincidence, but i seem to see a link between my flour intake and state of my skin.
i tried eating some cakes and bread (with butter 😀 ) last week and i paid the price for it.
my body has already calmed down previously, but a few days ago it started turning red and irritated again.
and i notice a huge link between my mood and my skin too.
the cause and effect is unclear, but they are related.
bad mood is related to bad skin, while good mood is related to better skin.
when i say bad mood, i feel a surge of anger within me for no good reason!
i feel as though i can snap any moment.
it’s so strange because i noticed that every time i feel that fire within me, my skin turns bad in the next few days.
it’s all related!
today, my skin started feeling better as compared to 2 days ago.
somehow, 2 days felt like forever..
no amount of gratitude managed to lift me up, i had almost no positive energy left.
“take things one day at a time”, i kept telling myself..
and here i am now, feeling a lot better.
i still get mind fucked by the ups and downs even though i’ve been through it a thousand times.
but i still believe.
26 may 2015
after a week of shedding thick scales off feet, it’s now a lot better. still pink, but not as raw looking.
my face isn’t as dry and pink anymore, it’s looking a lot more normal with a few dry spots. last week i felt rough patches on my cheeks, they felt like a rash that’s dying out.. my sensitive skin above my lips aren’t sensitive or dry anymore too!
it’s only yesterday and today that i feel relatively better as compared to a week ago. could be coincidence, but i didn’t have bread for breakfast since yesterday. 😀
hair fall has reduced, but i noticed a lot of my new and fine hair falling off. i’m hoping it means the unhealthy hair are making way for better and stronger hair that will grow in a few month’s time.
still sweating daily, sometimes i try to do some light exercises to help the sweat leave my body. i notice a lot of sweat pouring out from my elbow and knee bent, it drips! usually my skin feel a lot better the next day after sweating. i remember years ago there was this man who shared his speedy recovery from TSW by forcing himself to sweat within a heated sauna. while i still aren’t too optimistic that it can speed up TSW, i believe it can actually speed up an eczema flare.
bowels are looking healthy to me. no more IBS episodes.
face and neck is comparatively better than my hands and legs. i still itch where ever i scratch though.
11 june 2015
– sleep shifted back by 2-3 hours (from 12 to 2+) for a few days in the past 2 weeks.
– skin is phasing in and out of pinkness/redness/dryness.
– face looks very yellow when it’s calm.
– hair fall is up and down, a lot of my baby fall fell out
– fingers haven’t been oozing for about 2 months now. however the cuticles are still recessed.
– overall improvement on my palm and sole.
– wisdom tooth area hurts when my skin is flaring??? observed this relationship for the 3rd time.
exactly a week ago, my skin went through another cycle. it was culmulating for another 2 weeks or so prior. i felt a general worsening of the skin very gradually. red rough patches started appearing on my face more often, my neck turning rough and dry.. blah blah blah, you know the drill. and then it finally reached the climax last week. there was 1 night of oozing on the back of my knee. it was the clear yellow fluid, what’s new?
judging by the duration of the oozing, i conclude that my cycles are getting less severe (comparing 1 night to 2 weeks of oozing). this is the 4th cycle so far. after the oozing, i shed for the next few days. it felt terrible when the new skin was still so raw. nothing as terrible as a few years ago though.. thank god it only lasted a few days this time.
sleep was so messed up during the peak of my cycle, i was scratching all night. if i did fall asleep, i’m probably not in deep sleep. sleep is coming back to me since 3 nights ago, and i can’t be more glad.
month 50 is a weird month for me, because i felt a lot of things i haven’t felt in a long time. the need to isolate myself is one of them. the constant falling into a black hole of bad thoughts was also quite prominent. thankfully i was able to remind myself that it’s only temporary.
i’m not too bothered by the bouts of feelings i experienced. i believe the biochemistry within my body has to do with it as well. i guess many of my fellow skin friends have experienced the same lethargicness, uncertainty at times, and general gloomy outlook of life no matter how hard you try to pull yourself back.
but all is fine now 🙂 isolation is good during times like this because it really forced me to look into my feelings and thoughts so that i can sort them out. now that they’re sorted out, they shouldn’t cause any havoc anymore.
it’s not that i don’t get stumped by my slow recovery. the longer it takes, the easier it is for me to choose idleness over meaningful work.
if it’s easy for a normal person to lose motivation to constantly put in effort to do something, imagine how easy it can be for a person who’s already so drained from trying to heal. and it is a downward spiral from here because the moment i stop trying to make my time meaningful, i feel like a friggin’ piece of burden wasting oxygen and resources on earth.
the irony lies in the fact that no one is actually judging me nor blaming me for being so useless. i’m the only person with these expectations for myself.
i realize what kept me so motivated and focused in the previous few months are all the books i read to enrich my brain. reading and writing made my life meaningful. how did i realize this? there was a few weeks when i felt so lethargic to even read, i end up doing nothing much all day long. for weeks.
then i felt bad about myself.
things are back on track now. reading really puts me in the right frame of mind. the more i read, the more i find out about health and recovery. it eases my mind when the author tried to explain why natural healing is often up and down. that’s an entire entry on its own, so i won’t elaborate any further here.
sometimes we just need to jumpstart ourselves out of a bad cycle. that means to get myself to do something that i’m happy about, like the unnecessary title image above. it looks pretty and it makes me happy that i actually made something like that.
everything will be okay. 🙂 i know i’m on the right track this time! for real! the main goal of better health will solve every health problem that’s lurking in me. the body is designed so amazingly, it has it’s own recovery mechanism.
all i need is a little bit more of patience, faith, and hope.
no one is going to give me hope just because i ask for it. true hope is only meaningful when we find it ourselves. and it applies to every other thing in life as well, ain’t it?