another month down. a lot more thoughts and less actual documentation this month because i am a little more “feely” than usual.

22 may 2015

it seems like the weekly up and down is still going on.
it may be coincidence, but i seem to see a link between my flour intake and state of my skin.
i tried eating some cakes and bread (with butter ๐Ÿ˜€ ) last week and i paid the price for it.

my body has already calmed down previously, but a few days ago it started turning red and irritated again.

and i notice a huge link between my mood and my skin too.
the cause and effect is unclear, but they are related.
bad mood is related to bad skin, while good mood is related to better skin.

when i say bad mood, i feel a surge of anger within me for no good reason!
i feel as though i can snap any moment.
it’s so strange because i noticed that every time i feel that fire within me, my skin turns bad in the next few days.

it’s all related!

today, my skin started feeling better as compared to 2 days ago.
somehow, 2 days felt like forever..
no amount of gratitude managed to lift me up, i had almost no positive energy left.

“take things one day at a time”, i kept telling myself..
and here i am now, feeling a lot better.

i still get mind fucked by the ups and downs even though i’ve been through it a thousand times.
but i still believe.

26 may 2015

after a week of shedding thick scales off feet, it’s now a lot better. still pink, but not as raw looking.

my face isn’t as dry and pink anymore, it’s looking a lot more normal with a few dry spots. last week i felt rough patches on my cheeks, they felt like a rash that’s dying out.. my sensitive skin above my lips aren’t sensitive or dry anymore too!

it’s only yesterday and today that i feel relatively better as compared to a week ago. could be coincidence, but i didn’t have bread for breakfast since yesterday. ๐Ÿ˜€

hair fall has reduced, but i noticed a lot of my new and fine hair falling off. i’m hoping it means the unhealthy hair are making way for better and stronger hair that will grow in a few month’s time.

still sweating daily, sometimes i try to do some light exercises to help the sweat leave my body. i notice a lot of sweat pouring out from my elbow and knee bent, it drips! usually my skin feel a lot better the next day after sweating. i remember years ago there was this man who shared his speedy recovery from TSW by forcing himself to sweat within a heated sauna. while i still aren’t too optimistic that it can speed up TSW, i believe it can actually speed up an eczema flare.

bowels are looking healthy to me. no more IBS episodes.

face and neck is comparatively better than my hands and legs. i still itch where ever i scratch though. :/

11 june 2015

– sleep shifted back by 2-3 hours (from 12 to 2+) for a few days in the past 2 weeks.
– skin is phasing in and out of pinkness/redness/dryness.
– face looks very yellow when it’s calm.
– hair fall is up and down, a lot of myย  baby fall fell out :/
– fingers haven’t been oozing for about 2 months now. however the cuticles are still recessed.
– overall improvement on my palm and sole.
– wisdom tooth area hurts when my skin is flaring??? observed this relationship for the 3rd time.

exactly a week ago, my skin went through another cycle. it was culmulating for another 2 weeks or so prior. i felt a general worsening of the skin very gradually. red rough patches started appearing on my face more often, my neck turning rough and dry.. blah blah blah, you know the drill. and then it finally reached the climax last week. there was 1 night of oozing on the back of my knee. it was the clear yellow fluid, what’s new?

judging by the duration of the oozing, i conclude that my cycles are getting less severe (comparing 1 night to 2 weeks of oozing). this is the 4th cycle so far. after the oozing, i shed for the next few days. it felt terrible when the new skin was still so raw. nothing as terrible as a few years ago though.. thank god it only lasted a few days this time.

sleep was so messed up during the peak of my cycle, i was scratching all night. if i did fall asleep, i’m probably not in deep sleep. sleep is coming back to me since 3 nights ago, and i can’t be more glad.

month 50 is a weird month for me, because i felt a lot of things i haven’t felt in a long time. the need to isolate myself is one of them. the constant falling into a black hole of bad thoughts was also quite prominent. thankfully i was able to remind myself that it’s only temporary.

i’m not too bothered by the bouts of feelings i experienced. i believe the biochemistry within my body has to do with it as well. i guess many of my fellow skin friends have experienced the same lethargicness, uncertainty at times, and general gloomy outlook of life no matter how hard you try to pull yourself back.

but all is fine now ๐Ÿ™‚ isolation is good during times like this because it really forced me to look into my feelings and thoughts so that i can sort them out. now that they’re sorted out, they shouldn’t cause any havoc anymore.

it’s not that i don’t get stumped by my slow recovery. the longer it takes, the easier it is for me to choose idleness over meaningful work.

if it’s easy for a normal person to lose motivation to constantly put in effort to do something, imagine how easy it can be for a person who’s already so drained from trying to heal. and it is a downward spiral from here because the moment i stop trying to make my time meaningful, i feel like a friggin’ piece of burden wasting oxygen and resources on earth.

the irony lies in the fact that no one is actually judging me nor blaming me for being so useless. i’m the only person with these expectations for myself.

i realize what kept me so motivated and focused in the previous few months are all the books i read to enrich my brain. reading and writing made my life meaningful. how did i realize this? there was a few weeks when i felt so lethargic to even read, i end up doing nothing much all day long. for weeks.

then i felt bad about myself.

things are back on track now. reading really puts me in the right frame of mind. the more i read, the more i find out about health and recovery. it eases my mind when the author tried to explain why natural healing is often up and down. that’s an entire entry on its own, so i won’t elaborate any further here.

sometimes we just need to jumpstart ourselves out of a bad cycle. that means to get myself to do something that i’m happy about, like the unnecessary title image above. it looks pretty and it makes me happy that i actually made something like that.

everything will be okay. ๐Ÿ™‚ i know i’m on the right track this time! for real! the main goal of better health will solve every health problem that’s lurking in me. the body is designed so amazingly, it has it’s own recovery mechanism.

all i need is a little bit more of patience, faith, and hope.

no one is going to give me hope just because i ask for it. true hope is only meaningful when we find it ourselves. and it applies to every other thing in life as well, ain’t it?

13 thoughts on “MONTH 50

  1. Good read I still like to keep up with your wise words! You learn a lot about yourself, you’re too intelligent to stop doing what you’re doing when it gets really bad, society needs you

    • hahahaha thank you so much Alex, reading your comment made me burst out in laughter.. I was imagining myself as a super hero, and you are like uncle Ben (from spider man) telling me “society needs you”.. hahahahahhaha! thanks for the laugh! ๐Ÿ™‚ and thanks for always dropping me comments and finding my words wise. it’s such a flattery.

  2. Wow, 50 months is like a mini silver anniversary:) good work sticking with your plan! you have been so helpful to everyone, except the reading part for me thou :p i just not a reading person… maybe i would if it’s for psychology stuff. Ah, maybe i could look for explanation for all these messes in a psychological way! anyway, im really glad that your oozing cycles are getting shorter and shorter! Stay positive and give us more “wisee words” ๐Ÿ™‚

    • hahahaha i deserve the jubilee (50 months, not YEARS) hahahahahha! i don’t ever wish for this to stretch out to 50 years.

      actually i’m not a reading person too. in fact, i only picked up reading last year. i began reading books that interest me, some how my interest is quite varied, hence i read quite a lot of books. haha! you should totally start with psychology books since it’s your interest!

      definitely gonna stay positive. whenever i do feel low, i remind myself i have to be strong because many people read my blog for strength. ๐Ÿ˜‰ it helps!

  3. Thanks a lot for you journal! It’s so close for me, every your thought, feeling and inspiration words.. it was nessesary to read it for me.. Wish you a sooner recoverly! (I remember before my TCM after yoga lessons the skin changes was significantly. Now i am sticking in “lazy useless weeks”, but i keep yoga in mind and hope to come back to it soon..)

    • you’re most welcome natalia! i’m glad to be able to lend some emotional support during times like this! thank you so much for your well wishes! i can’t wait to share more good news in time to come! yoga seems to be really beneficial for the body and mind, you can do it when you feel like it! don’t stress yourself out! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. Hi Juliana,

    Thanks for keeping us updated on your blog! I have a question. After taking TCM, has it ever caused you to flare up? I’ve read online that a “healing crisis” occurs when your body is expelling toxins, causing flares. I recently started drinking TCM and my shoulders, which have been healed for months now, started becoming bumpy and rashy all over again. I think this may be a healing crisis and am going to continue drinking the TCM. Just wondering if you had any experience with this!


    • hello MT, after taking TCM, it did flare up! healing crisis is real and explainable, so what you’re going through is normal. my skin is always slightly better after the flare. the body just need to get rid of “toxins”, the medication may be speeding that up for you.

      have faith!

  5. heres my story, I had mild eczema on my arms, I was prescribed with Triamcinolone for it. My derm was Chinese so I wasn’t quiet understanding him so I asked him if I can use it on my face for some pimples that I had on my face. I could of had sworn he said yes! So I started putting it on my face and my face started breaking out even more. At one point it cleared then it flared up horribly. I started researching the cream a month later to find out it was steroids!!!! My face was all scaly and ugh horrible, inflamed and all. This was on May 30 that I withdrew completely from it since using it since April 20! Now its June 30 and its been a bumpy ride but its so much better just little break outs here and there. I don’t know if it will flare up again being that I used it for a month. but hopefully, it’ll just keep clearing from here. I am currently using Tretinion and currently seeing another dermatologist.

    • so thankful that your skin is doing much better now! thank god you only used steroids on your face for such a short period of time! you’ll be fine!! stay strong! if the tretinion doesn’t irritate your skin, it should help you in the long run. if steroids made your pimples worse, perhaps your pimples are caused by bacteria? just a suggestion!

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