[brain fart] being kind and happy

it’s more important than you might think.

i’m in one of those pensive moods lately, it’s sort of the side effect of feeling moody.
not every thought gets to be written down and shared with people,
so this thought came at the right time because if it hit me a week ago, i’d be “meh!” and let it slide into the depths of my mind.
thankfully, i’m feeling a bit more motivated to get things done this few days,
so here goes.

as i was surfing the internet on my laptop,
i randomly look down at my hands that are laid out on the keyboard.
i think it’s a subconscious habit to always take a look at my hands and scrutinize my skin (which explains why i always felt bad the past few months because my hands looked kinda bad),
and it only surfaced to my awareness just now because i noticed how beautiful my skin looked.
for once, i’m not upset after looking down! i didn’t know i can NOT feel upset until just now!
it’s not perfect yet, but they look so much better than before.
lesser wounds, lesser redness, skin isn’t as elephant-y.
it actually feels smooth and soft again (i did use a moisturizer, as i felt it’s the right time to use it now).

what i did next made me think i’m borderline crazy.

i looked at my left hand while caressing it with my right hand as though it’s a little puppy in need of love.

“you look so good! you’re doing so well! keep up the good work!”

then i looked at my right hand.

“you’ve done an amazing job healing! keep up the good work!”

as i touched it with my left, i looked at it lovingly before holding it near my lips and giving it a kiss.
i know, i know. it sounds dramatic as hell, but i really did that! haha!

and then i smiled to myself and thought “how wonderful and amazing is my body? you’re doing such a good job healing from the damage i’ve dealt, yet i have been undermining your efforts by thinking you’re not healing fast enough.”

i wrapped my palms around my cheeks (they’re currently going through another cycle), gave it a light pat of affirmation, closed my eyes, and took in a deep breath.

and i smiled again.

being kind to myself elicits a surge of good feeling, and it puts my mind in the right place that aids healing.
it takes away stress and channel more positivity into a difficult time like this.

surely, you’ve felt unappreciated before in your life,
that didn’t feel good, right?
if my body had feelings, it probably felt like shit because i neglected the fact that it’s working over time to recover.

just because i’m not seeing progress on the surface doesn’t mean it isn’t progressing!
“no observable changes” is not the same as “no changes”.
even though other parts of my body might look worse, focusing on what’s getting better worked really well for me.

you really have to experience yourself, it’s cathartic somewhat.
it might be easier to imagine your body and skin as something adorable.
in my case i really felt like i was speaking to a cute little puppy.

love yourself, and feel better.


p.s. photo of my hand over the month

click to enlarge to see the details, you can zoom all the way in!


14 thoughts on “[brain fart] being kind and happy

  1. Hi! I really like your site and hope you are doing better! I found two things that helped me a lot so I’m sharing this with you =)

    1) I’ve been using honey on the wounds topically and it really seems to speed up healing by a lot! If you google around a bit you can see there are papers showing that honey is really effective in treating wounds and promoting healing. I also learnt this from a seasoned doctor — he used honey to treat bedsores that wouldn’t heal with normal antibiotic cream and it works well. I use clingwrap to cover the area after applying honey (it helps to keep the wound moist too, and also not so messy).

    2) I think this applies more for later than the earlier withdrawal stages but I found that heat really helps speed up healing. I tried a heating pad and also soaking my feet in warm water every night and it seems to expediate healing. I guess the improved blood circulation helps!

    Take care!

    • hi kei!

      thank you for sharing with me what worked for you! i’ll keep them in mind so i can use them if i need to! i have heard a lot about using honey on wounds, but never gotten around to try themout! do you use them on superficial wounds (like cuts or scratches), or on oozing wounds?

      regarding soaking your feet, in traditional chinese medicine, soaking the feet helps regulate the liver system! i wish i can be as disciplined about soaking my feet. i will definitely try this out some day!

      thanks again!!

      • I use it for oozing wounds as well as scars. Its pretty amazing as the scars actually do start healing (although it does take quite a while before they heal). I find it really useful for wet wounds and they close up a lot quicker!

  2. Juliana i may have useful information regarding the eczema in your palm (dishydrotic) it is highly likely that you are nickel sensitive. I went through tsw 2.5 years ago (ive used potent steroids since a child 20 years). After my 2.5 year withdrawal most of my skin cleared but then i was left with severe eczema. I eliminated nightshades, chocolate, eggs, dairy, wheat, fish and reduced red meat intake to once a week.I increased my vegetable intake broccoli, mung beans,bean spouts,cauliflower, and fruits such as apples and bananas etc.. eating them on a regular basis. I noticed a huge difference in my skin and not in a good way…it got worst at first i thought it was a detox effect but then i noticed my palms and fingertips started getting progressively worst fluid filled vesicles red itchy bumps ongoing for 8 months. Then i figured it out after researching like a mad man almost losing my mind. the veggies and fruits i added all were high in nickel, then i hit me like a brick all the foods are flare to like cacao, bannanas, broccoli, cauliflower, beans are high nickel content foods,. i eliminated them entirely and follow a low nickel diet my palms have cleared.

  3. Dear Juliana,

    I am in my 18th month tsw and things were also improving until my fingers decided to flare up and break badly a couple of weeks back.
    I can totally relate to how you are feeling now.
    Thanks for motivating words and I keep positive daily too. I am also now evaluating nutrition and minimising junk food in my diet.
    I realise the key to speedy healing is to minimise washing my hands and put antibiotic cream and physiogel AI . Extremes dryness aggravated the tender skin and I tend to scratch at night due to itchiness.

    • hello bee! sorry to hear about your recent flare! it totally sucks when things suddenly turn for the worse again. but do take this as a chance to find out what’s aggravating your skin. did you eat anything different lately? a reader of mine recently told me about his success with low nickel diet because nickel sensitivity usually affects the hands. he listed out all the things he eats regularly and it’s similar to mine, so i’m cutting out some more foods right now and i think it’s having a positive impact on me. you might want to evaluate your diet and see what might can be improved upon!

      when my hands are rashy and wounded, i only wet them once a day, and that’s during my shower. i noticed if i were to wash my hands other times, it’ll itch while drying. i really hate that. hope you find relief soon!

  4. juliana Hi you are my heroes !

    I ve ask to u first things how are you at the moment ? you can live a “norma life” exit by the home, meet friends go in holiday ?

    You are almost five years in, i find crazy belive that you are in tws yet


    • hi thomas! i’m doing better at the moment, still figuring my eczema out. i want to let you know that i strongly believe that what i’m going through right now IS NOT TSW, but my underlying eczema that’s gotten out of control because i did not address it. i can lead a normal life on normal days 😉 and it’s coming back to me soon!

  5. Hi Juliana

    you inspired me so much !

    may i know what did u use to apply on your hand’s skin as it reduced the eczema in a month ?

    Hope to hear from u soon.

    • thanks nabilah! glad to be able to provide some positivity!

      the truth is, my skin improved from within. whatever i apply on my skin didn’t really cause my skin to heal, it merely reduced the appearance of dry and cracked skin.

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