hello, it’s me

hello

for a long while, i didn’t feel like noting down my thoughts here.
my thoughts were in a mess, didn’t feel comfortable sharing anything when i don’t know the consequences of my actions.
every once in a while my mind undergoes an overhaul.

old beliefs are shattered, new ones are erected as it lays foundation for new things to be built.
perhaps something bigger, stronger, and better is being built, that’s why the foundation requires so much time and effort to set up.
it’s gotta be a sturdy base that can’t be easily broken down, not even by the strongest earth quakes or natural disasters.

i don’t know if i want to continue sharing my monthly documentations at all, because i haven’t really been observing my skin very meticulously.
i didn’t want to, you see.

seeing how my skin is on a daily basis doesn’t make me feel any better,
in fact it easily makes me feel worse.

i thought by this time of the year, i’d have more happy news and photos to share,
even though things are a lot better, i’m not completely out of the woods yet.
i don’t feel it’s right to share all the ups and downs knowing how much it tortured my little mind, and how it might negatively impact others.

it’s easy to feel like this moment is eternity,
that’s why i’ve spent a lot of time and effort grooming my internal garden of peace,tried to practice cultivating positive states of mind to keep it in the right head space.

just gotta keep reminding myself that nothing is permanent.
everything has a beginning, and an end.

i also do not know if i want to share any thoughts,
this is down to personal reasons that i’ve been pondering for a bit.

it’s still extremely cathartic to write.
but maybe, writing in private is a better option.

i’m still undecided on that, so we’ll see. ๐Ÿ™‚

in other news, i’m still alive,
still staying afloat.
can’t say i’m the happiest i’ve ever been, but there were happy moments nonetheless in this darkness.
at the very least, i’m not sad.
i am at peace, and i’ve learnt that peace of mind is more attainable and sustainable.

i hope anyone who’s reading a good day,
and keep staying strong.
because staying strong is the only option we have, and this is for the better.

/edit

after giving it some thought, I realized my personal reasons for not sharing would be getting in the way of the greater good: giving support and hope to others in need of it. 

also, here is a small comparison photo, some time in May versus now, December. so it’s been 7 months apart.

  
compared to my worse, I look a lot more normal now. if I remember to use that as the reference point on a daily basis, I’ll be so much better off mentally than if I compare it to normal skin by default.

it was definitely not a linear process, as many might already know. it took countless ups and downs to get to where I am right now.

discouraging? a little. hopeful? definitely, because I know for a FACT that with every flare comes better skin afterwards. 

  
not back to normal yet, but getting there! as long as there is progress, as long as it’s moving along, I’m happy.

everytime when I feel a little down, I think of how much I envy others who have gotten so much better. seeing their photos makes me think “I wish I have their skin”, but then I tell myself..

“how many people out there are wishing to be in my place right now?”

and this thought makes me more grateful of the progress I’ve made so far, be comfortable with where I am. 

I have to disclose that my skin looks better in photos though. even though I know that, I still derive comfort thinking my skin is better than reality. of course, that means when I look at my skin I feel a little worse, because it looks worse than in my photos. that’s why I don’t look at my skin so much.

protecting my mind, is my top priority.

still lots of work to be done on the rest of my skin.. 

my hands, my abdomen, my legs.

everywhere.

but I’m hopeful ๐Ÿ™‚ and with a heart of gratitude, a mind of peace, I get by each day with more ease than before.

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22 thoughts on “hello, it’s me

  1. Hi Juliana. I too am going through my 2nd time of TSW. Thought I was out of the woods at the 3 yr mark, which was a few months ago. Now I seem to be going through it all over again! It’s frustrating and I feel for you. How long has it been for you this time around? So far it’s been 3 months for me. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

    • hello joyce!

      i guess this warrants a high 5! hahaha not that i particularly enjoyed having red skin again, but i know it’s just the body’s healing process.

      i was pretty clear for 1.5 years, for it to return it hit me quite hard mentally. it’s all so weird. so in 2014 november my skin turned bad, and then it was rather calm and clear for 3 months in 2015 august. and then it got bad again from 2016 january. got better in march, but got worse in may again. to me it felt like 2 full years of uncertainty and bad skin (even though there were relatively calmer skin days within them). technically my latest flare lasted about 5 months.. from may to october. things have been calming down the past few weeks. keeping my fingers crossed!

      let’s stay strong together ๐Ÿ™‚

      • It’s so interesting to see how different everyone’s flare cycles are. I only had about 9-10 months of almost clear skin. Then I had my 4th child in July of this year, and since August my skin has gone back to square one. ๐Ÿ˜ฅI’m hoping things will get better soon! Glad to hear your skin is healing again. Hopefully this is the last round for the both of us!

      • we’re all so similar, yet so different at the same time! i sure hope things get better for you soon, because you have a new baby to take care of! oh my god i can’t imagine having to take care of someone else when dealing with this skin thing! may you be blessed with a strong heart, and a very supportive family!

  2. Hi Juliana, Suggest u go visit Professor Feng of SingChong at People’s Park Center as he is quite good in treating ECZEMA. Good luck n take care. Regards, Benny

  3. Juliana– thanks for keeping your blog up. I know many people including myself can relate to the RSS/withdrawal struggle. I’ve been on this roller coaster with my skin now for 5 years now with hopes to finish the ride sooner than later. Hang in there!

    • hey gus, we know all too well about this roller coaster ride don’t we? at this point in time i really had enough of it! hahaha i want to get off this ride! you hang in there too! we’ll stay strong ๐Ÿ˜€

  4. Hi, juliana, thanks for sharing your thought, i’m having the same situation like you currently. I found that there are a new medicine which named crisaborole may help us available next year. So, there is always new hope^^. Stay strong

    • hey wen li! thanks for your encouragement! i no longer seek for relief from allopathic drugs that merely mask symptoms. inhibiting inflammation without stopping the inflammation at its roots does nothing for me in the long run, except to let the problem worsen in the background without my knowledge!

      you too, stay strong!

      • Thanks juliana. I tried to stay strong but i just can’t going out to face public with my red dry flaky face, always feel like i only can hiding in my room lonely. Can i know how you cope with your work during your worse time and what treatment you currently use?

      • hello wenli, i totally understand the inability to go out to the public with a flaky and red face. you’re not alone ๐Ÿ™‚ you’ve got all of us!

        i’m currently using traditional chinese medicine to treat my skin and body from the within. it’s slow but it works ๐Ÿ™‚ also, when i had to head out during the thick of it, i found a face mask to be extremely useful. throw on a pair of shades and most of my face was covered. thankfully, no police have stopped me so far, so i guess i don’t look too dubious in that look. you can consider doing that for now!

        hang in there! strength doesn’t come to us when we ask for it. it develops as we pass through these “tests” we’re faced with.

        xoxo

  5. ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ˜ข it’s so unfair that nothing is fair. Meeningless words, I know! Words don’t come easy unless that many good angels will carry you and give the strength.
    Love you.

    • hey ulla! haha this is life! i have accepted it ๐Ÿ™‚ it’s just part of the lessons i need to go through in order to be a stronger and better person! thanks for your kindness to me all this while ๐Ÿ˜€ i can say i love you too!

  6. Nice to hear from you, i do agree with you too, mental stability is GOLD
    I had some transformative deep, deep, deep, deep depression (for no apparent reason) in the later half of 2015, i came back as new person, i learned that no worldly problems matter, it all just an illusion (changeable/solvable), everything like this is just the surface, deep down we are SOLID.

    Now, to the contrary, i find myself to look worse in photographs, i really look better personally, don’t know why, lol! Keep your head up, you look really good to me, i’m sure the chances are you will look even better soon!

    All the best!

  7. Hi juliana, it’s good to see you posting again! It’s crazy how much the topical steroids can alter our body that it takes such a long time to recuperate. You’re a huge inspiration for me and for many others, thank you so much for your bravery to document your journey to recovery ๐Ÿ™‚ I wish you well, and here’s to a swift recovery to all of us!

  8. Hi Juliana, you have truly inspired me, I have been battling with eczema on and off for most of my life, only recently in the last year had all my eczema flared up worse than ever, today in fact, I was searching for remedies for my scape ad it’s oozing with yellow liquid and gets worse when I sleep at night, it’s crazy uncomfortable, my facial skin has been cracking and oozing, waking up with extremely hard skin, and I’m using steroid creams from doctors and it seems to work on and off, I recovered a lot better in the last week then I have done In the last 6 months, but I can’t understand or seem to find the answer that you keep asking yourself, I’m born In HK and I live in London, the water here is quite hard and yet I try very hard to adapt, yet I seem to get no answers, I’m waiting to have a blood test on Thursday to see if I can find any new ideas of why my body isn’t working very well, but I just want you to know that I’m glad I came across your blog today because you are very strong, it’s almost like I found another me across the world just in a female form, I know it’s easier said then done but stress plays a big part, and I know my stress levels this year have been sky high, but I’m trying very hard to pull a level head again. Thanks J you for being strong and inspiring me on your journey to recovery I will be following you blog and I look forward to seeing you recover. I wish all the best for you! Geoffrey x

    • heya geoffrey!

      thanks for letting me know ๐Ÿ˜€ knowing that my blog can inspire others is one of the reasons that keep me blogging even when i don’t want to at times.

      i’m sorry to hear about your experiences, it’s all too familiar. surely by now you’ve found out about topical steroids addiction/withdrawal through my blog right? i don’t know your history, but my story might be different from yours so who knows, you might be having something different! good luck finding an answer from your doctors!

      haha i’ve been told by many that they feel like they are me, i guess that’s what pain and suffering do to us – it makes us empathize with each other and connect instantly.

      i agree with you that stress plays a important role in over all health. i’ve been practicing mindful meditation to help myself with that, and have continued to do so for the past 1+ year because i truly enjoy it!

      thanks for you well wishes! i wish you well and good health too ๐Ÿ˜€

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