for a long while, i didn’t feel like noting down my thoughts here.
my thoughts were in a mess, didn’t feel comfortable sharing anything when i don’t know the consequences of my actions.
every once in a while my mind undergoes an overhaul.
old beliefs are shattered, new ones are erected as it lays foundation for new things to be built.
perhaps something bigger, stronger, and better is being built, that’s why the foundation requires so much time and effort to set up.
it’s gotta be a sturdy base that can’t be easily broken down, not even by the strongest earth quakes or natural disasters.
i don’t know if i want to continue sharing my monthly documentations at all, because i haven’t really been observing my skin very meticulously.
i didn’t want to, you see.
seeing how my skin is on a daily basis doesn’t make me feel any better,
in fact it easily makes me feel worse.
i thought by this time of the year, i’d have more happy news and photos to share,
even though things are a lot better, i’m not completely out of the woods yet.
i don’t feel it’s right to share all the ups and downs knowing how much it tortured my little mind, and how it might negatively impact others.
it’s easy to feel like this moment is eternity,
that’s why i’ve spent a lot of time and effort grooming my internal garden of peace,tried to practice cultivating positive states of mind to keep it in the right head space.
just gotta keep reminding myself that nothing is permanent.
everything has a beginning, and an end.
i also do not know if i want to share any thoughts,
this is down to personal reasons that i’ve been pondering for a bit.
it’s still extremely cathartic to write.
but maybe, writing in private is a better option.
i’m still undecided on that, so we’ll see. 🙂
in other news, i’m still alive,
still staying afloat.
can’t say i’m the happiest i’ve ever been, but there were happy moments nonetheless in this darkness.
at the very least, i’m not sad.
i am at peace, and i’ve learnt that peace of mind is more attainable and sustainable.
i hope anyone who’s reading a good day,
and keep staying strong.
because staying strong is the only option we have, and this is for the better.
after giving it some thought, I realized my personal reasons for not sharing would be getting in the way of the greater good: giving support and hope to others in need of it.
also, here is a small comparison photo, some time in May versus now, December. so it’s been 7 months apart.
compared to my worse, I look a lot more normal now. if I remember to use that as the reference point on a daily basis, I’ll be so much better off mentally than if I compare it to normal skin by default.
it was definitely not a linear process, as many might already know. it took countless ups and downs to get to where I am right now.
discouraging? a little. hopeful? definitely, because I know for a FACT that with every flare comes better skin afterwards.
everytime when I feel a little down, I think of how much I envy others who have gotten so much better. seeing their photos makes me think “I wish I have their skin”, but then I tell myself..
“how many people out there are wishing to be in my place right now?”
and this thought makes me more grateful of the progress I’ve made so far, be comfortable with where I am.
I have to disclose that my skin looks better in photos though. even though I know that, I still derive comfort thinking my skin is better than reality. of course, that means when I look at my skin I feel a little worse, because it looks worse than in my photos. that’s why I don’t look at my skin so much.
protecting my mind, is my top priority.
still lots of work to be done on the rest of my skin..
my hands, my abdomen, my legs.
but I’m hopeful 🙂 and with a heart of gratitude, a mind of peace, I get by each day with more ease than before.