let it go

last week i was going through yet another cycle.
no big deal, just some minor rashes on my arms and legs living the time of their life..
they’re dying down now, and will not be missed.

i didn’t feel too bothered by that.
after going through the manic phase of trying whatever i can do change things,
only to find out things are actually out of my control,
i’ve learnt to let it go.

trying to influence things out of my control is a futile effort.
initially it made me feel empowered, like.. I CAN DO THIS! I CAN CHANGE THINGS AROUND!
well, looking back, it’s a false sense of empowerment.
when i realize nothing changed because of what i did, i felt twice as bad.

is it worth it?
i don’t think so.
that’s why learning to let go is so important.

letting go is freeing.
giving up control rids you of responsibility.
religious people say “you already tried your best, now leave the rest to god”.
if you don’t believe in a god, then “things are as they are” works too.

letting go isn’t the same as giving up, even though the action one take is often similar.
the difference is in the motivation.
you give up because you feel hopeless, frustrated, angry even.
but you let go when you’ve come to terms with reality – the inability for us to have complete control over every single aspect of our lives.
you’re at peace, perhaps even happy, to finally let things be the way they are.

the need for control in itself isn’t bad.
you need a certain degree of authority/autonomy to get things done.
yet, we often forget that our range of control is very limited, as compared to the vastness of this world.

people often say the only thing we can control in life is how we respond to it.
even then, we do not have complete control of ourselves, let alone to control others/events.
we can barely control our own emotions, which has a weather schedule just like nature.
sometimes it just happens.

i think i’ve given up almost all control over my health,
and by that i mean i no longer try to force my health to align with my ideal within a stipulated time frame set by yours truly.
we can’t have it all.

by seeing my TCM doctor, i put my health in his hands and let him be the captain.
i stopped reading literature trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, or what i can do.
i continued my new plant based diet, but no longer using it to directly affect my skin. i’m continuing on because this diet makes me feel happier as i have peace of mind that i’m not eating unhealthy animals.
i continued taking strolls as a light form of exercise, but not because it benefits my heart and lungs. i just enjoy the night breeze, and the blurry night lights (as i don’t wear my glasses).

letting go allowed me to be peaceful.
and peace of mind, as i’ve come to realize after battling TSW for 6 years, might just be the most important factor in healing.
anger is my mom telling me to do the chores, i do them out of love and respect, but she’s just going to see it as me following her orders.
peace and love on the other hand, it’s me offering to do the chores for my mom because i know she’s tired from work, and she knows i’m doing it because i love her.
both elicit the same result, but one leaves me grumpy and feeling unvalued, and one leaves me feeling like a god damn saint.

my favourite phrase now when a new rash pops up is
“we’ll see what happens!”.

it might be just me, but i feel like my skin has been calming down even more after i consciously remind myself that i’m actually ok with the way things are.
that encompasses a lot more than what it seems – it means i love myself, i love my broken skin, i love my healing body, i accept it for what it is right now, even though it’s not where i’d like to be.

i definitely don’t feel this way when my skin was way worse.
but now that it’s not as bad, it’s easier to love it.
and maybe that’s why i feel like things have been getting even better.
that self love might have helped 🙂

letting go is a process and not an over night thing,
especially when it’s intangible stuff we’re talking about.
it isn’t as easy as taking out physical trash – out of sight, out of mind.

something to think about.

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5 thoughts on “let it go

  1. Juliana, it is alway encouraging reading your posts. You always bounce back even though you go through the low points in life. Sometime life is not treating us well. I am on my 9th month of tsw. I already felt that is forever. I was very itchy a week ago and seem to have a break for these few days. I am already thinking I cannot take this any more and thinking should I go back to steroid. TSW is an absolute torture. You are so brave to go through this for 6 years.

    When I am not itching, I feel a whole lot better and I can wait patiently for the skin to slowly heal (I am still very pink). I am doing phototherapy which might put me under another health issue (skin cancer) but I cannot worry about that right now since it is helping me to feel less itchy. When I itch, it brings out tears, anxiety and frustration.

    I truly believe that our original eczema will never go away. Changing our diet and lifestyle are the good things to do to help control it. Just hope that the eczema will not go out of control again that leave us with no choice. It is more simple if we are allergic to food. I tried a very clean diet and my tsw is still bad and new rashes came up. In my case, I was told by my doctor that it is in my DNA that my system is attacking my skin. It makes me wonder what do I use to help calm my eczema even when I recover from TSW. Anyway, thanks for you sharing. Have been praying for you.

    • hi Loretta! I really feel you about the itch. it’s can definitely drive one crazy! I’m not any braver than you! just like you, I felt like it’s forever. I had to take it one day at a time.. and somehow I made it this far. so can you 🙂

      did you manage to find out if something is triggering your itch? I found out I itch a lot less if I don’t use moisturizers.. for some reason I started reacting to a moisturizer that worked fine for me before.

      I disagree with you on eczema never going away. while we were born with the genetic disposition to have eczema, it can only happen under a set of circumstances that made our body react that way. lifestyle and diet is one part of the equation. I’m also using TCM to bring my body back to the balance to eradicate my underlying eczema. perhaps you’d like to give holistic healing a try, because I am pretty sure you had normal skin when you were born. 🙂 we just need to get our body back to that state, with the help of experienced healers.

      stay strong and hopeful!

  2. Hi Juliana!

    It was almost two and half years ago that I discovered your blog through ITSAN, if I remebered correctly. Really happy to see it still up and running, inspiring and motivating us! Keep it up and stay strong as always!😊

    Sincerely,
    Abbas

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